If God is sovereign...

"Imagine a woman pushing her baby around in a baby stroller. She comes up to the top of a hill and isn't watching the stroller close enough. The stroller goes rolling down the hill, picking up speed as it is going. There is a man standing at the bottom of the hill crossing the street, just in front of very heavy traffic. It wouldn't take any more than him putting his finger out to stop the stroller. But he doesn't. Do you blame him? I would..and that is why I lost my faith in God"

What came to my mind was from a prayer Paul shares with the people of Colosse in Colossians 1:9, "So we have not stopped praying for you since we first heard about you. We ask God to give you complete knowledge of His will and to give you spiritual wisdom and understanding"

As I think of that verse, I look to the context in which this book is written. The book of Colossians was originally a letter that Paul wrote to the people of Colosse (which is modern-day Turkey) was written for encouragement and instruction. Paul had heard of a tiny church that existed because of its faith. The problem, though, was that this church was struggling with being steadfast in faith and being tolerant of the worldly beliefs that existed in this time period.The book of Colossians focuses on the supremacy of God: God is above all things, all people, and all knowledge. Why? The culture focused on beliefs that come from within people. Beliefs that dwell on inward praise. "Finding the truth inside of yourself", meditation, human reason and making sense of the world. These were common topics of that day.

That doesn't sound much different than today's world. In fact just the other day I was reading about the creation of a new religion called "Chrislam" or the combining of Islam and Christianity. In this religion both the Bible and the Qur'an are held as holy texts, people mentioned are honored as prophets, and the calling out to either "Allah" or "God" is accepted. For someone to accept two completely contradictory texts as holy seems that an individual has a fight of what to believe. He can't decide so he just tolerates it all.

Creations of religions like Chrislam happen when people look to their own knowledge to understand or explain God. In fact, the story I shared about the woman and the baby in the carriage relates to this too. When I look at this story with the knowledge I have of the world, I blame the man for not saving the baby too. I am bothered that he didn't save the baby too, but he isn't the original issue. The original issue (also compared to the concept of original sin) is that the woman wasn't watching her baby close enough. And sometimes the will of God cannot be explained. Not with human reason.

Why trust the will of God when it doesn't make sense to us? Because God is sovereign.

Sovereignty, according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary is:
1. obsolete: supreme excellence or an example of it
2. a: supreme power especially over a body politic
    b: freedom from external control
    c: controlling influence

Sovereignty is supreme power and the controlling influence.

In Biblical tearms, sovereignty of God means that "all things are under God's rule and control, and that nothing happens without his direction or permission. God works not just some things but all things according to the counsel of His own will...The sovereignty of God is not merely that God has the power and right to govern all things, but that He does so, always without exception. In other words, God is not merely sovereign de jure (in principle), but sovereign de facto (in practice)". (A.W. Pink)

God owes nothing to us. He owes nothing to the woman who was not watching her child close enough. I don't have an answer in my own knowledge to why it would be in God's will to not reach out a finger to save this baby's life. I have no answer as to why God could allow "bad things to happen to good people", but I have faith that God sees the bigger picture that I do not.

And if God sees that bigger picture that I do not then clearly I can't find any kind of god within myself, as was a common belief in the time Paul wrote his letter to Colossians and is still a common belief today. If I found a god within myself, it should be completely holy, without ignorance or fault. I shouldn't have to "discover" it. It should just be and my mind should be able to completely understand it. But it doesn't. My mind searches for truth. My mind yearns to fulfill the void that is present if I deny that God is truth and that God is just. Every part of me yearns to be a part of something greater than myself. If this desire drives me, then how could goodness come from inside of me?

If god existed within ourselves then how come solitary confinement is one of the worst punishments? Because we have a void on our own. Just think, in tragedy why is it that people turn to prayer or turn to God for help? It is in tragedy that people feel their weakness and they know they can not look within themselves.

My mom would always tell me that when she struggled with faith she would say "Lord I believe, but help my disbelief". In the same sense, I have to pray for spiritual understanding. I have to ask for help. I have to ask God to show me the unity of His heart when I don't understand the bad things happening around me.

If God is sovereign, then I need help understanding Him. The person who told me the baby carriage story really despises this line. He says "then your faith makes no sense. If you look at any religion, faith comes in to play when human wisdom falls short. And faith believes some of the most ridiculous of things". The only thing I can say to that is it just depends what your faith is in. Every single person has faith in something. It could be in material things (which will not last). It could be in yourself (who falls short and decays). Or it can be in truth.

When I lived in intercity Chicago, my youth pastor Tony always put it this way. "You can have this great faith and stand on little ice. Or you can have little faith on much ice. What matters is not your human reason or confidence. What matters is the object of your faith"

"You can put this another way by saying that while in other sciences the instruments you use are things external to yourself (things like microscopes and telescopes), the instrument through which you see God is your whole self. And if a man's self is not kept clean and bright, his glimpse of God will be blurred — like the Moon seen through a dirty telescope. That is why horrible nations have horrible religions: they have been looking at God through a dirty lens." (C.S. Lewis)

Why do I believe God's sovereignty is truth and the instrument through which I see God as my whole self? Because His Word is infallible. Give me one other set of 60 books, written over a thousand years, by numerous authors, that is as consistent and alive as the Bible.

I believe in this truth because the truth in the Bible is relatively simple. Christian standards are basic. (Don't steal, Don't lie, Love your neighbors as yourself) It is the carrying out of these truths that takes commitment and dedication. I believe in these truth and commit myself to them because I believe God is sovereign. As C.S. Lewis once said:

I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.

Unveiling the bigger picture

The speaker at my Bible study shared a pretty powerful story this week. She has been interviewing for a job at a really important company in Kansas City. She went through an intensive interview process and had made it so far that she was one of the final two candidates. Then she got the call that she did not get the job. She was incredibly disappointed. In the meanwhile, a coworker and good friend at her current job has had a really rough last few years. Her family has faced illness, job loss, and huge financial difficulties. She approached her coworker, the speaker, yesterday and told her that she had just accepted a new job, which just happens to be the job the speaker had been interviewing for. She said "I was blown away. If I had only known who my competition had been. I would have gladly given her the job opportunity. All I can do now is stand back and praise God who sees the bigger picture always"

Reminds me of a picture I saw on facebook the other day:

Then I think of a beautiful story found in the book of Ruth. Ruth and her mother-in-law Naomi experienced many difficulties in their lives that felt unexplainable. Ruth experienced inability to give birth, death of her husband and father-in-law, and challenges of being a widowed woman along with her mother-in-law Naomi in a day when women weren't as free as they are today. These women were seen as a burden to their society, both financially and socially. But they both had a desire to serve the Lord and honor Him in a time that people lived in demoralizing, perverse, and non-God-honoring ways. When Ruth's husband died, there was nothing Naomi could give for Ruth. Both of these women were of the most lowly. Naomi decided to return to her home country and Ruth insisted on going with her declaring "Wherever you go, I'll go. Wherever you'll live, I'll live. Your people will be my people and your God my God". 

After ten years of tragedy and hardship these women were saved by their kinsman-redeemer Boaz. Boaz, a relative of Naomi, took on Ruth as his wife. He took her as her wife, redeeming both Ruth and Naomi from their despair. He took on their burdens and the responsibility of supporting these women and the Lord blessed them. Ruth, who had been barren years ago, was blessed greatly with sons, the greatest honor of all. 

What I have just realized in reading this story is that at the end of this book of the Bible, the lens is taken off of Ruth, Boaz, and Naomi and pointed at the big picture. Ruth made a decision to stay with Naomi and the Lord blessed not only Ruth with Boaz, Ruth with sons, and Naomi with grandsons, but a whole nation with hope. At the end of the chapter is a whole lot of names that I usually don't even read, but I have realized the lineage was written here for a reason. First off, Boaz is the son of Rahab (which is incredible in itself how an amazing man of the Lord came from this line) Then Ruth gave birth to Obed who gave birth to a son, who gave birth to a son...who gave birth to David- King David (who led an entire nation)...and the family line can be followed on to Jesus Christ, our true and wonderful kinsman redeemer.

That's the big picture. a family line who had great faith in a time of horrible moral conduct making the way for Jesus Christ- our kinsman redeemer. How wonderful is that big picture? Jesus Christ, who took on all the burdens and painted the most gracious big picture by his blood, the picture of the cross.

Why does God ask us to approach each day with a grateful heart? Why does He ask us to lead, to serve, to encourage, to focus on being selfless rather than selfish? Because He is taking care of us and as we trust Him, He is working on the bigger picture. He, Jesus Christ, is our able and willing kinsman redeemer who has always been in the work of redeeming His people to Him. Are you stuck in fear or hurt? Do you find yourself trying to manipulate blessings into your life because you know what you want and the timing you think you want it? Sometimes we want to look down on ourselves, others, or our situations, but be encouraged today that you have a God who is beside you! He is constant. He always has been, is today, and will be forever at our sides ready to redeem. When we dwell on our fears of failure or despair in our own situations, we yield to fear and loose sight of blessings for the sake of our selfishness. A grateful heart is one that praises God for His faithful heart. He knows where He is taking us because He knows us. And He knows all of us. When we don't get what we want, remember the unity of God's heart, that it isn't about just us-me, you. This is why He calls us to receiving His grace and in turn giving of His grace. Because His lineage, His plan, His mighty work is done through YOU.

Solidify

A few months ago I picked a word to define 2013. I picked my word to define where I thought God was going to lead and to remind me of how the Lord is working in my life.

I picked the word solidify. I picked it kind of on a whim. Last year, there was a lot of restoration the Lord did in me and I desired that his truth would become of more importance to me and be a deeper part of my everyday life.

It’s interesting to look back over the past few months how the Lord has been working on solidifying me.

I’m in a different spot than I imagined I would be in right now but I’m doing fine. I’m learning. I’m growing. And I’m pretty okay in the midst of everything.

I’ve prayed for myself to have faith for a long time because I’ve always struggled with not being able to see God tangibly. I might have some tangible struggles right now, but I’m not struggling with faith.

Tonight I was in my multicultural behavior class listening to a lady talk about Sekhism. I didn’t even know what that was until tonight. I thought it was a form of Islam or something. It is a religion that focuses on equality for all people. It is called the “universal religion”. The point is to live life performing good deeds and meditating to discover the god within yourself. You have to attain goodness so you can reincarnate into a new being and continue to be good throughout your future lives. The speaker talked about wanting peace in the world and happiness, but she seemed so lifeless and lonely. She talked about being unattached from the world to be good.

My friend who sits next to me was passing notes to me the entire time noticing how lonely she felt. We both pointed out inconsistencies in her religion and how odd it was that she would choose to follow a religion that was created in the 1600s and believe it to be true as the “universal religion”.

In one of his notes he wrote “she is so lifeless. She devotes herself to meditation on “the god within her”, but she seems lifeless and detached from any relationship”.

I wrote back “that’s because there is none. John 14:6 says “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me” She seems lifeless because she is without the most important piece- Jesus Christ”

Then there was our professor who just kept affirming this woman in her beliefs. (the same professor who a week ago at the Hindu temple told a Hindu man that Christians are pushy, rude, and annoying, I might add, even though she is a Christian herself). She was so tolerant and it was just bothering me. I mean yes we had a speaker in our class so it was important to show her respect, but respect doesn’t mean being tolerant and affirming her religion.

I guess I point this out because so often in that class we discuss weather it is fair for all people to be held to the same standard. It is always presented this way “If there is a woman who is a devout muslim (or some devout follower of some other religion) and loves god in the way she knows him will she go to heaven? What if she has never heard of Christianity? Will God forgive her and let her go to heaven? How can God be so loving if he doesn’t forgive that?” The debates go back and forth. It hit me tonight more than ever before. Jesus is the only way, the only truth, and the only life. Period.

On Sunday my Pastor gave an illustration that I love so much. Imagine that you are about to hike a beautiful mountain (of course he had my attention with this because if you’ve followed my blog at all you know I love mountains more than just about anything). Anyways, you are getting ready to hike this mountain, but it is a difficult mountain to hike. In fact, it is so difficult that you have a special mountain ranger coming to meet you to show you the way. This mountain ranger knows that there is only one way to get to the summit. He knows that people following him might think there is a better way or an easier way to get to the top, but all these other ways are really not other ways at all. In fact they all are dangerous and only lead to death. This mountain ranger takes you up to the summit showing you the only way to get to the summit. If you stray away from the right path, it is just not tolerated. This is the loving thing because all the other paths lead to death. The mountain ranger is doing the loving thing in showing you the way.

That is exactly what is meant by Jesus being the only way, the only truth, and the only life. My role is to live in full faith by this. I will not be tolerant. I will love and respect, but I will not be tolerant because I do not serve a tolerant God. I serve a loving God. I have complete faith in that. I don’t need something tangible to show me that because He is solidifying His truth in me, which is important because if Jesus Christ is the only way, only truth, and only life than I need to be not only solidified in this truth but also sharing and spreading this truth.

I stand.

Today at work my boss and I were talking about people who do daredevil things. He was telling me that there are two types of people. There are people like him and people like me. He is one of those people who generally thinks daredevil acts are pretty crazy. He thinks some of them are cool. In fact, one time he watched a guy go up to the high-dive and do a backflip. He decided to try it. Right when he was about to jump off he thought to himself "I'm going to be that guy that hurts himself. If 1% of people get injured doing this, I will be that 1%" Right as he had thought, he jumped off with little confidence in his action. His lack of confidence is actually what injured him. In the middle of his backflip, his fear made him decide to stop turning. He landed on his back and injured it pretty severely.

Then you have the daredevils. They do risky things because they believe they will be in the percentage of people who will not get injured. I skydived last summer knowing that some people don't make it. But I jumped with full confidence. There's a percentage of people that get hurt doing this? Well that percentage won't be me. I was focused on completing the jump and doing everything I had been instructed to do. I was going to jump in faith and it was going to be one of the most awesome experiences of my life.

I guess maybe that's how I live. I've never exactly felt comfortable in life so maybe that's why I've taken risks. It's strange because as weak as I feel at times, I am so insanely confident that my strength doesn't come from within myself. I am confident, even when I have the most pathetic of break downs, that the Lord is my rock and my cornerstone.

Maybe I'm just incredibly strange for the things I do. Like at work the other day, one of my kids who has autism was throwing a temper tantrum because she was mad about an every day task she needed to complete. She was stubborn and didn't want to do it and I was stubborn in the fact that she was going to do it weather she wanted to or not. I won that battle and I even have a battle scar from it: a massive bite on my leg. Yep, she bit my leg. But I won that battle.

That's kind of how life feels to me right now. Ok Lord, what strange thing are you going to throw at me next?

The cool thing in saying that is this surrender to God that I've never taken part in before. My whole life I have idolized this concept of "home". I always idolized this point in life that I would feel safe and feel like I had a place and a purpose. Who would have thought my place and purpose would be established when I feel the least comfortable?

I've always wanted comfort that I've never really feel I've had. (Just pointing out that I said comfort, not blessings. I've been incredibly blessed through people places and things, but not comfort). I've always wanted things to stay consistent for awhile. When things broke down or got uncomfortable, I left. Simple as that.

Until I met someone a year and a half-ish ago who challenged me in ways I don't know if he'll ever know. When I met him, I felt safe. I felt this comfort. I felt him care for me in ways that I know God cares for me. And it terrified me. I didn't know what to do with it. I ran away. Over a year and a half, he still reached out to me. He still read (and still probably reads) my blog and has been basically my number one supporter and encourager. I still can never forget him reaching out to me in a time when I felt so incredibly unworthy of God's love. I was running from the things God was calling me to because I was afraid. I felt like I was too much of a mess. I can't remember what he said, but he affirmed in me that I was not too messy for God to use me, even though he didn't have any idea what I was going through at the time.

That sure stuck with me. If this guy who I respected and still respect probably more than any guy I've ever met could believe I was not too messy for God to love me then why didn't I?

That was sort of the beginning of being challenged out of my comfort zone to see where the Lord has been calling me. A lot has changed since I let this guy in my life in a deeper way. An unexpected way. And an uncomfortable way even. But I'm so thankful for him, because his love and belief in me, I believe, came directly from God. I'm currently working the job I'm supposed to. I'm living exactly where I should be. I'm serving in the church I am called to be a part of.

The crazy thing is that I've been living in discomfort for a long time, but now is the first time I'm asking God to show me why and where to go from here. I'm called here in the middle of one of the most boring placed I've ever lived  (no offense to my Kansas-readers). But I'm exactly where I should be. For now.

Even when life is uncomfortable. Even when I face death of someone incredibly close to me. Even when I experience cancer in my home first-hand. Even in uncertainties of my own body that could turn out to be pretty detrimental. Even in this, I will stand firm.

I stand firm because I am one hundred percent confident in the Lord who will provide. In the Lord who will redeem. In the Lord who will restore.

So here I am diving head first into who knows what. I know one thing though, I will survive. If not in this life, I know in the next. I have full confidence in that.

1 Peter 5:1-11

 And now, a word to you who are elders in the churches. I, too, am an elder and a witness to the sufferings of Christ. And I, too, will share in his glory when he is revealed to the whole world. As a fellow elder, I appeal to you: ² Care for the flock that God has entrusted to you. Watch over it willingly, not grudgingly—not for what you will get out of it, but because you are eager to serve God. ³ Don’t lord it over the people assigned to your care, but lead them by your own good example. ⁴ And when the Great Shepherd appears, you will receive a crown of never-ending glory and honor.

⁵ In the same way, you younger men must accept the authority of the elders. And all of you, serve each other in humility, for

“God opposes the proud
    but favors the humble.”^[a]

⁶ So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and at the right time he will lift you up in honor. ⁷ Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.

⁸ Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour. ⁹ Stand firm against him, and be strong in your faith. Remember that your Christian brothers and sisters^[b] all over the world are going through the same kind of suffering you are.

¹⁰ In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation. ¹¹ All power to him forever! Amen.

Knowing You Are.

A week ago in church my pastor was talking about peace. A lot of times people confuse feelings of pleasure or comfort as peace and right living. However, peace is laying down in bed at night knowing that what you're doing in life is lining up with what Gods will is.

Peace is laying in bed at night sometimes hurting but knowing something is right.

Peace is laying in bed at night feeling uncomfortable but saying "you are my Shepard I will not be in want, you are my Shepard I will not be, you are my Shepard, you are"

Peace comes through a process. It is taking my feelings to God and expressing them. Then it is viewing a situation with grace and objectivity, putting what another person may be going through first in my mind. Then it is fervent prayer. And it is saying whatever you want Lord. Then that's when the peace comes, when trusting the Lords will.

And then repeating it.

Peace doesn't cancel out hurt but it is seeking it that makes me realize how holy God is that I can still know peace and Gods sovereignty when I don't think it makes sense. 

Not too messy for God’s love?

If you’ve been in the Christian community for much time at all then you’ve probably watched some of those cheesy Christian movies. They all start to run together after awhile and most of them have the same general theme. No disrespect to the makers of these movies. I’m sure some of these movies have changed lives, but as I’ve watched some of them I see the same general story: a girl is in an abusive relationship or is mistreated in some kind of way, a Christian man comes and shows her God’s love and helps her out of her bad situation, and then they are happily married and everything is happy and easy.

Easy.

Well, I guess I don’t live a “real” Christian life then because in my experience every time I surrender more of myself to God life gets harder and messier.

Ok here’s a warning. I’m about to be a lot more blunt then I often am because it’s something that has really been heavy on my heart lately....

A very common thing for me to write about is the tangibility, or rather intangibility of the Christian life and walking with God. 

The reason for that starts out with the story of a little girl whose first memories are more than can be explained in one little blog post. It starts off with a little girl who was robbed of her innocence and was left with a pain that stung. It started off with a girl who frequently slept a couple hours a night, along with nightmares because of the trauma it left her. That girl is me.

I grew up in a Christian home, a very loving one at that. My situation was one that my parents had no idea about for a very long period of time and would have intervened had they had any idea.

So that was the way it was. At four, five, and six years old when someone threatens you and abuses you, even if you are raised right, it is incredibly hard to stand up for yourself and tell someone what was going on. I lived with an internal fear and an incredible secret battle. I went to church and was taught in my home that God was loving and that he can redeem any mess. He rescues his people. I remember when I first heard the story of Daniel in the lion’s den. Daniel prayed to his God, day and night. He loved the Lord deeply. He was thrown in a lion’s den and left to die for his faith, but the Lord kept him safe. Daniel did not get eaten by the lions. This was a very popular story in my Sunday school classes, but it always bothered me.

How could such a loving God shut the lions’ mouths when Daniel was thrown to them, but the same loving God wouldn’t protect me? Where was He?

That’s perhaps why this concept of tangibility is so important to me. Or why I feel it so much.

As I got older, I was able to find some healing and growth. I resisted God’s love for a long time because other things seemed much easier. And they were. When I chose my way, I got my tangible life. It wasn’t very hard to get, but it wasn’t fulfilling. I was convicted that that was not the life the Lord wanted me to live. But that’s not really what this post is about.

What it is about is what we do with mess.

I always had this idea that once I gave my life to God, just like the old cheesy Christian movies, I would understand the whole world. I would feel instantly fulfilled. I would feel renewed all the time. I would be swept off my feet by an amazing Christian man who loved me unconditionally and gave me God’s love in a tangible and real way.

But that “easy” life isn’t what happened. My life got a lot messier. Clinging to God’s Word in a world that doesn’t always feel satisfying. When Christians failed me (both in romantic relationships and friendships) I got really upset. When nightmares came back about things in the past, I got fearful. That’s not the way this is supposed to work, right?

If God’s love is so deep, vast, wide, and consistent then why is there mess?

Why in the world am I writing this post to talk about messy, uncomfortable life? Because I believe if we are all honest we all walk through this. And it is scary. It is scary to admit doubt or fear or frustration even with God.

But I’m writing this post because that is not where we are supposed to stay. We are not created for comfortable life. We are created for eternal life. When we chose to live for God, we chose hope for fear. We chose faith in the unseen. We chose to not live in fear.

Psalm 23 says:

The Lord is my Shepherd. I will have everything I need. He lets me rest in fields of green grass. He leads me beside the quiet waters. He makes me strong again. He leads me in the way of living right with Himself which brings honor to His name. Yes, even if I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will not be afraid of anything, because You are with me. You have a walking stick with which to guide and one with which to help. These comfort me. You are making a table of food ready for me in front of those who hate me. You have poured oil on my head. I have everything I need. For sure, You will give me goodness and loving-kindness all the days of my life. Then I will live with You in Your house forever.

What stands out to me in this passage is the phrase “Even if I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will not be afraid of anything”

What does that mean to walk through the valley of the shadow of death?  Think of a shadow... Imagine you are standing in the street and a truck drives by and runs you over. You are probably dead because you have been hit by a truck. Now, imagine you are walking along the side of the road and a truck drives by. It has a huge shadow that is right over you. You are standing in the shadow, but it doesn’t hurt you. That’s because it is a shadow. So if I am comparing life on earth to the valley then the worst thing I can face, if I am saved, is a shadow of death then I have nothing to fear because it is only a shadow.

I can’t explain why we have mess or why things happen other than the fact that we live in a sinful world, one that is under the shadow of death, but there is hope that when we cling to truth God is our comfort. I think when bad things happen we often times like to stay in our frustration and continue to ask God why? But I challenge to stop asking why and start listening.

“He lets me rest in fields of green grass. He leads me beside quiet waters” Have you ever noticed in the old KJV of the Bible the word “Selah” in between parts of the Psalms? I learned recently this word means to rest, pause, or listen to God. What amazes me is that the Psalms are full of cries out to God, praise, and questions to Him. In all of this there are breaks for “Selah”. God gives us a beautiful gift of rest, quiet, and peace when we follow Him. How many of us really take a break from things in our lives to “selah”? Rest is a gift God gives us to dwell in Him. I often feel uncomfortable with it because I don’t like to slow down to listen. I like to know the answer to something right away. I like when problems get fixed right away. But that isn’t God’s way. I wonder what God could really do in me if I took time to rest in Him, to really listen in quiet. I wonder what God could do in me when I only have the desire to know Him in one of His ways that seems so uncomfortable and intangible to me: stillness.

Why we experience mess and how to get rid of it? I don’t know. I have so much mess, but I want to be still enough to really cling to God’s truths.

Why? Because it makes things easier? No. Because it is right. Because in Christ I know that I have everything I need. And I will live with Him forever.

So do with me what you want, God. Show me who to love and how. Give me patience to allow You to speak to others, to step aside and allow you to be God. Grow me in grace when I don’t understand some things. Show me how to be a better friend, daughter, girlfriend, sister, and follower of You.

I surrender my mess. It’s yours God. Show me what you want with it.

The Hands and Feet of Jesus

Well I feel overwhelmed today, in a good way.

Today was my second full shift at my new job. I’m working every weekday in a family’s home for two kids with autism. The older child, age 20, has a high functioning form of autism called aspergers. I work with him much of the day and then whenever the younger child lets me work with her, I do. The younger child, age 16, has the most severe case of autism I have ever seen. You can pretty much forget that she is 16 because she functions as though she is 2.

Autism is a mental disorder that deals with how the brain processes information. Take me for example. I am dyslexic. When I look at a page I often see a jumble of words. I misspell things all the time. I mispronounce many things. I can’t do math. It takes a lot for me to teach my brain how to process the information I read. I was diagnosed with dyslexia when I was in first grade, but my dad did something really awesome with that. He made me read with him for an hour or so every night. Sometimes he read to me and other times I had to read with him. I did that until sixth grade. My dad’s loving dedication to me is the reason why I am able to function as highly as I do. My dad believed in me like no one else did. He had hope that I could learn how to function at a higher level.

People who have autism see the world in the way that I see words on a page, all jumbled. The girl I work with now on a day-to-day basis cannot understand the world she lives in. Her behaviors all center around consistency. She likes when things are the same, ordinary. She hates changing her clothes. She watches the same few minutes of a video tape, rewinds it and watches it again. She carries around a book that has prerecorded sounds on it and plays the same sound buttons over and over again. She does this to block out other sounds she hears. This is called stimulating herself. Autistic children are believed to be over-stimulated, over sensitive. She may hear sounds much louder than I do. Think about yourself trying to type out a report on your laptop. You sit down to type and you hear a car horn outside of the window. You feel a breeze blow your hair. You hear the ticking of a clock. If you had autism, you may have a very difficult time separating these distractions and ignoring them. You don’t understand them so you do everything you can to block them out. That is where stimulating yourself comes in. You may hold a book with prerecorded sounds right up to your ear and play it over and over again so you don’t have to hear the other sounds that are flowing into your head. You have heard these tunes so many times that the moment the book breaks, you have become so dependent on this book that you throw a tantrum because you can’t block out this world around you that you can’t understand. And you don’t want to try because it feels like too much.

This is what the girl I work with every day faces. My job is to take her from the stimulation she exposes herself to (her books with the prerecorded sounds, the tv, and other things) and interact with her. My job is to join her in her world. I try to make my world make sense to hers. Since she is much more sensitive to everything than I am, I have to act like her. If she throws herself on the ground and roar like a lion, I throw myself on the floor and roar like a lion. It is in those moments that I can make eye contact with her. I can make a connection with her. My challenge is how to stimulate her brain and help her to choose human interaction over electronic stimulation. So if she wants music, guess what I get to sing. If she wants me to sing she presses on my nose and and I don’t always have a song. Today I sang something about running at the beach. I made it up and it was so stupid, but she looked into my eyes and laughed. She had no idea what I was singing about but she knew I was paying attention to her. She knew I was interacting with her and that’s a start.

The interesting thing is that there was a part of today that I was feeling really sad. In that part of my shift, I had her up in her play room ready to interact with her and I just drew a blank. I had her away from anything electronic but my brain just couldn’t come up with any game to do. The more I was focusing on what I should do, the more I was thinking about how I wished she could communicate. I wished she could understand life. I got really sad for her and her family and what all of them had to face everyday. I just couldn’t imagine. How in the world could someone live like this? How could you watch your child go through this?…I had to ask her dad for advise. It was at that point he said he wanted me to watch this autism documentary and take a little break from her therapy.

 This documentary was the journey of a little boy with autism and his parents who prayed they could have their little boy back. They were filled with sadness and every time their son acted out (which was all the time) they mourned. They begged and pleaded with God about why their son was this way. This family traveled to an autism center to participate in the Sonrise therapy program (which is the type of therapy I am doing in an in-home version) and had to learn how to love their little autistic boy. They couldn’t view their son as two personalities: autistic son and sweet boy. They had to learn to view him as their autistic son. Period. They had to love the autistic side of him. They had to stop mourning him and focusing on their weakness. When they began loving their son in his autism and interacting him and focusing on loving him as he was, they were able to see improvement. They had to stop seeing their own weakness and instead see themselves as God’s tools. In the documentary they said they were able to see improvement with their son because they stopped mourning. They started believing they were strong enough to handle it. When their view changed, they started asking God for strength. When they asked Him for strength, He gave them strength and they could believe in their autistic boy in ways no one else ever could because God helped them. In their story, their son was able to learn how to function much better. He still has some challenges but he can now read, write, and interact with his family outside of his home.

Something I see in the girl I work with is that even though she doesn’t understand the world, she understands joy. She understands laughter and being looked in the eyes and feeling cared about. It reminded me that my job is to walk into work everyday remembering that she is a child of God and I am his hands and feet.

It strengthens my faith because I am reminded everyday about a truth of God. He does not give us more than what we can handle. An autistic individual is certainly a lot to handle, but He is stronger.

The older son that I work with is a child of God too. I see God in his loving heart. When we played chess today, he expressed his concern for his sister and how he wished she could play and be able to function normally. His love for his sister really struck me. He wasn’t stuck on his own weakness,. He knows he is autistic and he works to use his creativity to make things and draw and love his family. He reminded me of hope and that I can love his family with hope and as the hands and feet of Jesus.

I would love for these kids to see the world how I see it one day. Based off of research that really will not happen. What can happen though, is looking up to the God of hope and asking for His strength to be his hands and feet. That is my hope in working with these kids. I hope to give them joy. It may be in ways that are abnormal to others. The things that make these kids laugh are so ridiculous sometimes, but when I look into their eyes and make that connection with them I can’t help but feel that I am sharing Jesus.

What things are you feeling week about today? How can you look up to God and ask for His strength? What can you do to dwell in His consistency today? What roles are you placed in that requires you to be the hands and feet of Jesus? Do you have a task of analyzing numbers that no one else can understand? Do you have a tension span that most others don’t have that you can use? Who in your life can you learn how to love and support in the ways they feel loved? How can you show the love of God tangibly?

Sometimes it is hard to feel direction in our lives because we have unfulfilled expectations or we get bored. Sometimes we get really focused on ourselves and don’t feel like serving others, but I encourage you to let go of doing it on your own. You have a God who made you, uniquely, to love Him and show your love for Him in your love for others. How will you show His love today?

My hope is in you Lord

All the day long I won’t be shaken by drought or storm

A peace that passes understanding is my song

And I sing my hope is in You, Lord

-Aaron Shust