As I am-- As You are

Something I have been reflecting on a lot lately is how God uses His people. He uses our stories and our reflections of Him to impact others' lives. He uses our trials and circumstances of adversity. In 2 Corinthians 4 Paul says we are pressed on every side by our troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed but not driven to despair (verse 8).

So it is interesting to me that what God uses is our circumstances to show Himself, but in these things it is Him we should be reflecting rather than the circumstances or tribulation.

What does that mean? Have you ever had that friend who just always seems to be going through something hard? That friend always seems to be beaten down by past experiences. When he acts a certain way, he says is was because of this or that experience. When you share something difficult this person always has to "story top" you. Somehow his life or past experience is worse than yours.

When we come to Christ we are to be made new in Him. We are to be hidden in Him, reflecting His character and striving to become more and more like Him. When we seek to become more like Him, we seek to reflect His joy rather than the burdens of our circumstances.

It's easy to reflect the world when trials come up. It is easy to be anxious and become stagnate or stuck in a situation. It is easy to stay stuck in habit and ask God to take me just "as I am". It is easier to tell God that I am comfortable and would rather not experience change or inconsistency or confusion. It is easier to tell God not to invade my heart and mind with His will, but if I decide I want Him to take me just as I am then I will not be a child of God.

I originally thought of this concept of why it doesn't work for God to take me just "as I am" a couple weeks ago when I was studying the book of Colossians. I was studying this book with a Bible study group. When we study books of the Bible we ask four questions: What does this passage say about who God is? What does this passage say about who I am? What does this passage say about what is required of me? And what does this passage say about what God promises His followers? We were discussing this over one passage one night when one girl in the study group pointed out that all of the things Paul lays out in Colossians about who we are is not really anything we do. It is all things God does in us when we give ourselves to Him.

I couldn't stop thinking about that because I realized that we can't become like Christ without Christ. We can't reflect Him and His character if we haven't received Him in us. We can't become holy, blameless, consistent, or pure without Him because those are all part of His character.

So then I got to thinking that people are made to be reflectors. We all reflect something. That is why we are all influenced so easily. We can reflect our friends. We can reflect our school or our church or our political party's beliefs. We can reflect our parents. We can reflect our circumstances. Or we can reflect our God. When we reflect God is when we let go of asking for Him to accept us as we are and instead mold us and shape us and change us to be more like Him, as He is.

And just one more ramble about who He is... one of my favorite names for God- "I am". I love this name because it causes me to ask that question "who is God?" "What does His character look like?" "What is I am?" When I think about the type of person I want to be I think about being a person who is pure, full of grace, faithful, consistent, loving, nurturing, never keeping record of wrong, and standing strong in all circumstances. Those are things in the nature of Christ. That describes the "I am".

I don't want to be as I am, but as You, Lord, are. May I live my life to say "Lord I am delighted to obey you in this. I am delighted to look more like you".

Oh Lord, I don't like the person I become when I reflect my own desires. I deeply want to give and love, but struggle with loving desperately within my own "strength". I feel the need to fix everything, to feel absolute peace, and to "arrive" at some destination that feels complete. Oh Lord, I surrender this desire and this false self sufficient journey to you. I surrender to you my heart, for if I let go of everything else to follow my heart, it will lead me astray. I surrender to you the people I love that if I am to love them it would be completely with Your love and not my own.

Show me how to wait. Humble me and if I try to stand back up in my own strength, throw me down again and show me your ways again.

"I wait quietly before my God for my victory comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will never be shaken" Psalm 62:1-2

Solidify- to make stronger

I just sat down for the first time after an insane day and have just been feeling really content. I pushed myself a lot today. Finals have begun, which means I am getting hardly any sleep and way too much coffee. Today was full of yardwork and a couple carpentry projects at work (which usually isn't my strong suit, but I've been getting used to it and actually really enjoyed it), teaching one of my grumpy kids at work how to mow, a huge presentation for school, a challenging workout, and hanging out with a couple new friends.

I'm sitting here with my retail management notes, knowing that I should be studying them for a test tomorrow, but I just got in this really reflective and thankful mood that I feel like being in instead.

I'm thinking about change. I'm thinking about things that are the same. I'm at the same school. I'm living in a place that really feels like my own now. I'm at the same church, learning more and deepening friendships and responsibilities with serving in the church. My "new" job isn't as new and I'm getting used to my role there. I'm preparing for my first overseas trip to Zambia, Africa.

I feel really calm. Something I've been realizing about myself is that I have been so used to constant change that I get uncomfortable when things stay the same. Because I always was the one to move or change things in the situation, I got used to making the decisions and sort of saw myself as being in control. So here in the past months when I have been learning about staying put or being in situations that are uncomfortable I have been learning about letting go of the control.

It's when I let go that I discover things about myself that I never would have if I had held on. I think it is when I let go that I see a lot of blessings that expectations blinded me from before.

It's a weird feeling of letting go. I'm realizing a lot about who I have been and who I want to be. I've been insecure, afraid, and maybe even controlling at times, but I'm letting go to see I am confident and worth so much because of Christ. I am at peace and am comfortable with Him being in control. I'm letting go of all the guilt I hold onto because of other people.

I'm letting go of feeling like I'm "unworthy" for God to use me. He made me exactly as He did because He saw exactly how I could show His glory.

 I'm letting go of feeling like I made the wrong decision in the college I went to because everything about going to MNU has challenged me and pushed me to think about who I am going to be in life: spiritually, emotionally, professionally. I've learned so much through the amazing friends, amazing professors, and the challenging people. Looking back, yeah I could have done it differently, but God is taking care of me. He is proving a program for me to attend next year through the same university in which I don't have to take out hardly any money that I don't have. He is giving me work and some opportunities to save. And He has blessed me through some individuals who have decided to help, which just blows me away. And I've hung out a lot over the past couple weeks with friends I've made over the years and with my Zambia team and I just feel really blessed that I've had the opportunity to know them all.

Life feels so busy right now. Especially when I realize that the only time I ever have to blog is late at night. I'm just thankful, though, because life is really full.

I feel like God is just preparing me for something really special. I'm so thankful for the opportunity to go to Zambia in, let's see, just twenty-eight days! Wow! I can't wait to grow with this awesome group of girls on the trip and to gain a new perspective on how I see the world and how I see God.

I don't want to be that girl who is always "just surviving" or complaining. I want to be that girl who has contagious joy in her spirit.

On that note, I'm off to study.