I stand.

Today at work my boss and I were talking about people who do daredevil things. He was telling me that there are two types of people. There are people like him and people like me. He is one of those people who generally thinks daredevil acts are pretty crazy. He thinks some of them are cool. In fact, one time he watched a guy go up to the high-dive and do a backflip. He decided to try it. Right when he was about to jump off he thought to himself "I'm going to be that guy that hurts himself. If 1% of people get injured doing this, I will be that 1%" Right as he had thought, he jumped off with little confidence in his action. His lack of confidence is actually what injured him. In the middle of his backflip, his fear made him decide to stop turning. He landed on his back and injured it pretty severely.

Then you have the daredevils. They do risky things because they believe they will be in the percentage of people who will not get injured. I skydived last summer knowing that some people don't make it. But I jumped with full confidence. There's a percentage of people that get hurt doing this? Well that percentage won't be me. I was focused on completing the jump and doing everything I had been instructed to do. I was going to jump in faith and it was going to be one of the most awesome experiences of my life.

I guess maybe that's how I live. I've never exactly felt comfortable in life so maybe that's why I've taken risks. It's strange because as weak as I feel at times, I am so insanely confident that my strength doesn't come from within myself. I am confident, even when I have the most pathetic of break downs, that the Lord is my rock and my cornerstone.

Maybe I'm just incredibly strange for the things I do. Like at work the other day, one of my kids who has autism was throwing a temper tantrum because she was mad about an every day task she needed to complete. She was stubborn and didn't want to do it and I was stubborn in the fact that she was going to do it weather she wanted to or not. I won that battle and I even have a battle scar from it: a massive bite on my leg. Yep, she bit my leg. But I won that battle.

That's kind of how life feels to me right now. Ok Lord, what strange thing are you going to throw at me next?

The cool thing in saying that is this surrender to God that I've never taken part in before. My whole life I have idolized this concept of "home". I always idolized this point in life that I would feel safe and feel like I had a place and a purpose. Who would have thought my place and purpose would be established when I feel the least comfortable?

I've always wanted comfort that I've never really feel I've had. (Just pointing out that I said comfort, not blessings. I've been incredibly blessed through people places and things, but not comfort). I've always wanted things to stay consistent for awhile. When things broke down or got uncomfortable, I left. Simple as that.

Until I met someone a year and a half-ish ago who challenged me in ways I don't know if he'll ever know. When I met him, I felt safe. I felt this comfort. I felt him care for me in ways that I know God cares for me. And it terrified me. I didn't know what to do with it. I ran away. Over a year and a half, he still reached out to me. He still read (and still probably reads) my blog and has been basically my number one supporter and encourager. I still can never forget him reaching out to me in a time when I felt so incredibly unworthy of God's love. I was running from the things God was calling me to because I was afraid. I felt like I was too much of a mess. I can't remember what he said, but he affirmed in me that I was not too messy for God to use me, even though he didn't have any idea what I was going through at the time.

That sure stuck with me. If this guy who I respected and still respect probably more than any guy I've ever met could believe I was not too messy for God to love me then why didn't I?

That was sort of the beginning of being challenged out of my comfort zone to see where the Lord has been calling me. A lot has changed since I let this guy in my life in a deeper way. An unexpected way. And an uncomfortable way even. But I'm so thankful for him, because his love and belief in me, I believe, came directly from God. I'm currently working the job I'm supposed to. I'm living exactly where I should be. I'm serving in the church I am called to be a part of.

The crazy thing is that I've been living in discomfort for a long time, but now is the first time I'm asking God to show me why and where to go from here. I'm called here in the middle of one of the most boring placed I've ever lived  (no offense to my Kansas-readers). But I'm exactly where I should be. For now.

Even when life is uncomfortable. Even when I face death of someone incredibly close to me. Even when I experience cancer in my home first-hand. Even in uncertainties of my own body that could turn out to be pretty detrimental. Even in this, I will stand firm.

I stand firm because I am one hundred percent confident in the Lord who will provide. In the Lord who will redeem. In the Lord who will restore.

So here I am diving head first into who knows what. I know one thing though, I will survive. If not in this life, I know in the next. I have full confidence in that.

1 Peter 5:1-11

 And now, a word to you who are elders in the churches. I, too, am an elder and a witness to the sufferings of Christ. And I, too, will share in his glory when he is revealed to the whole world. As a fellow elder, I appeal to you: ² Care for the flock that God has entrusted to you. Watch over it willingly, not grudgingly—not for what you will get out of it, but because you are eager to serve God. ³ Don’t lord it over the people assigned to your care, but lead them by your own good example. ⁴ And when the Great Shepherd appears, you will receive a crown of never-ending glory and honor.

⁵ In the same way, you younger men must accept the authority of the elders. And all of you, serve each other in humility, for

“God opposes the proud
    but favors the humble.”^[a]

⁶ So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and at the right time he will lift you up in honor. ⁷ Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.

⁸ Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour. ⁹ Stand firm against him, and be strong in your faith. Remember that your Christian brothers and sisters^[b] all over the world are going through the same kind of suffering you are.

¹⁰ In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation. ¹¹ All power to him forever! Amen.