Not too messy for God’s love?

If you’ve been in the Christian community for much time at all then you’ve probably watched some of those cheesy Christian movies. They all start to run together after awhile and most of them have the same general theme. No disrespect to the makers of these movies. I’m sure some of these movies have changed lives, but as I’ve watched some of them I see the same general story: a girl is in an abusive relationship or is mistreated in some kind of way, a Christian man comes and shows her God’s love and helps her out of her bad situation, and then they are happily married and everything is happy and easy.

Easy.

Well, I guess I don’t live a “real” Christian life then because in my experience every time I surrender more of myself to God life gets harder and messier.

Ok here’s a warning. I’m about to be a lot more blunt then I often am because it’s something that has really been heavy on my heart lately....

A very common thing for me to write about is the tangibility, or rather intangibility of the Christian life and walking with God. 

The reason for that starts out with the story of a little girl whose first memories are more than can be explained in one little blog post. It starts off with a little girl who was robbed of her innocence and was left with a pain that stung. It started off with a girl who frequently slept a couple hours a night, along with nightmares because of the trauma it left her. That girl is me.

I grew up in a Christian home, a very loving one at that. My situation was one that my parents had no idea about for a very long period of time and would have intervened had they had any idea.

So that was the way it was. At four, five, and six years old when someone threatens you and abuses you, even if you are raised right, it is incredibly hard to stand up for yourself and tell someone what was going on. I lived with an internal fear and an incredible secret battle. I went to church and was taught in my home that God was loving and that he can redeem any mess. He rescues his people. I remember when I first heard the story of Daniel in the lion’s den. Daniel prayed to his God, day and night. He loved the Lord deeply. He was thrown in a lion’s den and left to die for his faith, but the Lord kept him safe. Daniel did not get eaten by the lions. This was a very popular story in my Sunday school classes, but it always bothered me.

How could such a loving God shut the lions’ mouths when Daniel was thrown to them, but the same loving God wouldn’t protect me? Where was He?

That’s perhaps why this concept of tangibility is so important to me. Or why I feel it so much.

As I got older, I was able to find some healing and growth. I resisted God’s love for a long time because other things seemed much easier. And they were. When I chose my way, I got my tangible life. It wasn’t very hard to get, but it wasn’t fulfilling. I was convicted that that was not the life the Lord wanted me to live. But that’s not really what this post is about.

What it is about is what we do with mess.

I always had this idea that once I gave my life to God, just like the old cheesy Christian movies, I would understand the whole world. I would feel instantly fulfilled. I would feel renewed all the time. I would be swept off my feet by an amazing Christian man who loved me unconditionally and gave me God’s love in a tangible and real way.

But that “easy” life isn’t what happened. My life got a lot messier. Clinging to God’s Word in a world that doesn’t always feel satisfying. When Christians failed me (both in romantic relationships and friendships) I got really upset. When nightmares came back about things in the past, I got fearful. That’s not the way this is supposed to work, right?

If God’s love is so deep, vast, wide, and consistent then why is there mess?

Why in the world am I writing this post to talk about messy, uncomfortable life? Because I believe if we are all honest we all walk through this. And it is scary. It is scary to admit doubt or fear or frustration even with God.

But I’m writing this post because that is not where we are supposed to stay. We are not created for comfortable life. We are created for eternal life. When we chose to live for God, we chose hope for fear. We chose faith in the unseen. We chose to not live in fear.

Psalm 23 says:

The Lord is my Shepherd. I will have everything I need. He lets me rest in fields of green grass. He leads me beside the quiet waters. He makes me strong again. He leads me in the way of living right with Himself which brings honor to His name. Yes, even if I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will not be afraid of anything, because You are with me. You have a walking stick with which to guide and one with which to help. These comfort me. You are making a table of food ready for me in front of those who hate me. You have poured oil on my head. I have everything I need. For sure, You will give me goodness and loving-kindness all the days of my life. Then I will live with You in Your house forever.

What stands out to me in this passage is the phrase “Even if I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will not be afraid of anything”

What does that mean to walk through the valley of the shadow of death?  Think of a shadow... Imagine you are standing in the street and a truck drives by and runs you over. You are probably dead because you have been hit by a truck. Now, imagine you are walking along the side of the road and a truck drives by. It has a huge shadow that is right over you. You are standing in the shadow, but it doesn’t hurt you. That’s because it is a shadow. So if I am comparing life on earth to the valley then the worst thing I can face, if I am saved, is a shadow of death then I have nothing to fear because it is only a shadow.

I can’t explain why we have mess or why things happen other than the fact that we live in a sinful world, one that is under the shadow of death, but there is hope that when we cling to truth God is our comfort. I think when bad things happen we often times like to stay in our frustration and continue to ask God why? But I challenge to stop asking why and start listening.

“He lets me rest in fields of green grass. He leads me beside quiet waters” Have you ever noticed in the old KJV of the Bible the word “Selah” in between parts of the Psalms? I learned recently this word means to rest, pause, or listen to God. What amazes me is that the Psalms are full of cries out to God, praise, and questions to Him. In all of this there are breaks for “Selah”. God gives us a beautiful gift of rest, quiet, and peace when we follow Him. How many of us really take a break from things in our lives to “selah”? Rest is a gift God gives us to dwell in Him. I often feel uncomfortable with it because I don’t like to slow down to listen. I like to know the answer to something right away. I like when problems get fixed right away. But that isn’t God’s way. I wonder what God could really do in me if I took time to rest in Him, to really listen in quiet. I wonder what God could do in me when I only have the desire to know Him in one of His ways that seems so uncomfortable and intangible to me: stillness.

Why we experience mess and how to get rid of it? I don’t know. I have so much mess, but I want to be still enough to really cling to God’s truths.

Why? Because it makes things easier? No. Because it is right. Because in Christ I know that I have everything I need. And I will live with Him forever.

So do with me what you want, God. Show me who to love and how. Give me patience to allow You to speak to others, to step aside and allow you to be God. Grow me in grace when I don’t understand some things. Show me how to be a better friend, daughter, girlfriend, sister, and follower of You.

I surrender my mess. It’s yours God. Show me what you want with it.