First Love

I want to know love, real unfading love. Love that endures all things, hopes in all things, and remains true in all things, even through immense hardship.

I had a half an hour before the time I wanted to be asleep tonight and decided to watch the latest episode of The Office. I didn't expect to be in tears at the end of the episode (or to be up so late writing this post.)

I have been feeling so much disappointment and seeing so much failure lately that the episode just struck a cord with me.

(Spoiler alert)

Pam and Jim have been drifting apart in their marriage for awhile now. They started trying to work on it a little bit, but Pam says her heart is hardened. She is hurt. Jim has hurt her. Watching this, I'm just feeling really down, but then Jim leaves to go on a business trip. Pam brings him an umbrella he forgot and as she's walking away suddenly he runs up to her and wraps his arms around her. She's standing there with her arms just sort of hanging there and just when I think she might push him away is when she remembers their vows and that love endures all things. She accepts and reciprocates Jim's love. They hold each other close and kiss and have this moment where they have just let go of everything to express that love to each other.

I might have watched this part one more time (or maybe two more times) because I just loved seeing how Pam and Jim's hearts stopped being so numb. They both let go and just loved each other...

First love. That's kind of a strange thing that's really tied into today's culture. It's a concept that is in tons of movies and tv shows. A classic, for example, The Notebook. First love is really exciting because it is naive. It's really exciting because you don't have anything to compare to. You get to experience so much. When my "first love" didn't look like it would be my "last love", I remember feeling like how in the world could I love someone else the same way again? How is that going to be better than what this was at its best?

At that point in my life I really wasn't following the Lord, so "loosing" that person was like loosing a whole lifetime. Okay two and a half years, which is hardly a lifetime especially for a high school kid who has their whole life ahead of them. But so much had happened in that time, so many changes, so many experiences, so many milestones. Because that guy was such a huge part of my life, I really felt like I had lost a lot and could often disregard the things that weren't in my best interest. I was used to wanting to be with him over wanting anything. I was used to being associated with him. I was used to his "love" being my hope. But it burned out.

So why am I talking about this? Well its because so often I see people wondering what in the world they are supposed to do with these past experiences. How can one let go of comparison, being stuck in the past, or dwelling on a feeling that love will never last when it comes?

I guess a part of what has been affecting me lately, in these terms, has been seeing a marriage in my family break apart. I remember when this couple was just enamored with each other. I remember how it felt like they would never get off the phone with each other. I remember how they would always find a reason to bring up the other person in a conversation when he or she wasn't around. I remember them going to church together and talking about God together. I remember standing in their wedding party at the front of the church watching the groom's face when he first saw his beautiful bride walk down the aisle. I remember their excitement for new milestones, new holiday traditions, new discoveries of similarities in their families, and new experiences of sharing their lives together. But seven years passed and now it is over. What happened?

So I've never been married. My relating my "first love" story really can't compare to a broken marriage, so I'm speaking from what little (in comparison) I have experienced, what I have seen, and what the Word says about love and marriage. What I do know about marriage is that is is made to reflect God. Ephesians 5 outlines marriage and states that women should submit themselves to their husbands as the church does for Christ. Husbands are to love their wives just as Christ loves the church. And, just as we are members of one body (the church), a husband and a wife become one.

So marriage is intended to reflect Christ, who is the reflector of God (Colossians 2:9 "For in Christ lives all the fullness of God in a human body") and the love that is reflected is love that never fails (Psalm 136).

I had a conversation with someone recently who told me a realization she had about the love passage in 1 Corinthians 13. I've always heard people say that we should plug our names into where the word love is in that passage because it reminds us of what we should be. This friend pointed out that we shouldn't be plugging our names into this passage first, but second to plugging God's name in. The point was that as we look at who He is first, we can see who we are to be like second.

First we look at God's love because His love is perfect and completely consistent. God is the same yesterday, today, and forever (Hebrews 13:8). So His love never fails or ends.

Human love is second because it is made to reflect God's love. Humans fail. That's because we always have a choice to keep submitting to God's love or to turn away from it. Choosing that love doesn't mean it cancels out issues like fear, but it is an option to choose that love over fear. First over fear. It is in making those choices I can choose to trust God that when I am looking at life through His love I can let go of hurt or fear that "I can't". I can let go of past by seeking His presence and being focused on loving like Him.

All of the stores I've heard about redemption have to do with letting go and allowing God to soften hearts, but letting go is such a foreign concept.

A few years ago I had this fear that I could never love like my "first love", but as I am seeking God first He is becoming my first love.

I always had the view that a greater love for a person would outweigh the past. If I could just love this person really, really well then it would work. I pursued relationships that way in the beginning of college. I was really focused on "loving" in my own strength, fixing problems that came up myself, and putting the functions of relationships with people first. I did that rather than dwelling in Christ as the one I love first and loving like Him (rather than loving in my own definition of what I thought was good which is basically just "feelings or emotions" based).

God first means that is where my ultimate trust lies. God first means that is my source of strength before anything else. Matthew 6:21, one of my favorite verses, "Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also". The more my treasure is in God and my desire is for His glory and His good, the more the outpouring of my heart resembles like His love.

It is God who softens and guides our hearts. He made our hearts to love and for tenderness. When I become hard-hearted to Him is where I find myself stuck in worry.

The more I dwell in God as love, the more the desires of my heart align with trusting in Him.  I'm learning how to love by studying how God loves us. I'm learning about graciousness, hopefulness, and faithfulness and how I want to reflect that as a person. I'm excited about that. My huge heart is growing and is being held and nurtured by Him. And I'm excited for what He has in store.