I just sat down for the first time after an insane day and have just been feeling really content. I pushed myself a lot today. Finals have begun, which means I am getting hardly any sleep and way too much coffee. Today was full of yardwork and a couple carpentry projects at work (which usually isn't my strong suit, but I've been getting used to it and actually really enjoyed it), teaching one of my grumpy kids at work how to mow, a huge presentation for school, a challenging workout, and hanging out with a couple new friends.
I'm sitting here with my retail management notes, knowing that I should be studying them for a test tomorrow, but I just got in this really reflective and thankful mood that I feel like being in instead.
I'm thinking about change. I'm thinking about things that are the same. I'm at the same school. I'm living in a place that really feels like my own now. I'm at the same church, learning more and deepening friendships and responsibilities with serving in the church. My "new" job isn't as new and I'm getting used to my role there. I'm preparing for my first overseas trip to Zambia, Africa.
I feel really calm. Something I've been realizing about myself is that I have been so used to constant change that I get uncomfortable when things stay the same. Because I always was the one to move or change things in the situation, I got used to making the decisions and sort of saw myself as being in control. So here in the past months when I have been learning about staying put or being in situations that are uncomfortable I have been learning about letting go of the control.
It's when I let go that I discover things about myself that I never would have if I had held on. I think it is when I let go that I see a lot of blessings that expectations blinded me from before.
It's a weird feeling of letting go. I'm realizing a lot about who I have been and who I want to be. I've been insecure, afraid, and maybe even controlling at times, but I'm letting go to see I am confident and worth so much because of Christ. I am at peace and am comfortable with Him being in control. I'm letting go of all the guilt I hold onto because of other people.
I'm letting go of feeling like I'm "unworthy" for God to use me. He made me exactly as He did because He saw exactly how I could show His glory.
I'm letting go of feeling like I made the wrong decision in the college I went to because everything about going to MNU has challenged me and pushed me to think about who I am going to be in life: spiritually, emotionally, professionally. I've learned so much through the amazing friends, amazing professors, and the challenging people. Looking back, yeah I could have done it differently, but God is taking care of me. He is proving a program for me to attend next year through the same university in which I don't have to take out hardly any money that I don't have. He is giving me work and some opportunities to save. And He has blessed me through some individuals who have decided to help, which just blows me away. And I've hung out a lot over the past couple weeks with friends I've made over the years and with my Zambia team and I just feel really blessed that I've had the opportunity to know them all.
Life feels so busy right now. Especially when I realize that the only time I ever have to blog is late at night. I'm just thankful, though, because life is really full.
I feel like God is just preparing me for something really special. I'm so thankful for the opportunity to go to Zambia in, let's see, just twenty-eight days! Wow! I can't wait to grow with this awesome group of girls on the trip and to gain a new perspective on how I see the world and how I see God.
I don't want to be that girl who is always "just surviving" or complaining. I want to be that girl who has contagious joy in her spirit.
On that note, I'm off to study.
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