Imagine...
You are married to the love of your life. You have battled many ups and downs before and after you married them. Your spouse has a past where he/she dated a person who they realize now was never in the relationship for love. Your spouse is able to see that clear as day now that you have experienced life together. Then one day, you are in a horrible wreck. Your spouse wakes up in the hospital thinking the past is the present and has no memory of the love you have shared.
This example comes from the movie The Vow. There was a particular scene in the movie that struck me when the husband (Channing Tatum) is desperately trying to help his wife to see his love for her. She gets frustrated and yells at him in this scene. He then says, very emotionally, "we don't ever speak that way to each other" he goes on to say this is a difficult time for him too because he is trying his best to help her realize how much he loves her. It's a difficult time for them and she ends up running back to her ex fiance for awhile, having to figure out on her own who had real deep care and love for her.
I was thinking about it a little bit last night about how I treat God that way sometimes. My roommate Amanda and I talked about Psalm 139 where it says God knew me in my immost being. I don't remember that, but I feel the need for it. It drives me. When I have void for it, I fill it with love of other things, other things that can never satisfy. And God is just there, watching, waiting and desperately wanting to reveal His deep abiding love. Committing my life to Him means committing a life to trusting that He knew me in my immost being and learning of the One who knows me.
Sometimes I get frustrated by not being able to touch God, but I have faith that He has known me and still knows me.Psalm 139 reminds me of this concept that I am known and loved, yet I've still had such a hard time lately wondering why I can't know God in the ways I wish I could. I wish I could hug Him. I wish I could have a back and fourth conversation with Him. Because I can't, I feel alone.
I've been asking Him to show me how to love Him. I'm so used to wanting Him and needing Him, but I really want to love Him. I just don't understand the essence that He exists in.
Yesterday I was at church listening to my pastor describe the relationship of the Son and the Father. He has really been challenging me, along with the rest of the church, to come to relationship with our Lord, not focus on the religion. That's a familiar phrase to me since I was young, "Christianity is not a religion but a relationship with Jesus Christ". But what I've been dealing with lately is what does that mean? How do I love God? I can't grab coffee with Him. I can't run up and hug Him, yet I have faith He meets me in every moment.
In the sermon yesterday, Pastor Jeff said that our deeds reflect the love that we have for the Lord. We have security in our salvation by our attitudes of praise. Do others notice Christ reflected in our behavior? I was really challenged by this yesterday and began to ask the Lord to show me if I have been reflecting Him (Psalm 139- You search me and you know me...Show me any offensive way in me) I asked Him to give me someone to reveal that to me.
It happened sortof randomly. One of my roommates, Shelby, came into my room and told me that she saw God in me. After my prayer to God earlier in that request, I was blown away and amazed by the God who gave that gift to me.
Furthermore, I am realizing that I can know God in this essence. I know Him through the love of my father to my mother, the love of my father to me and through the relationships with my suitemates. I see a Christ-like attitude in my father when he gets upset. He takes seriously that if he doesn't get what he wants in a certain situation that they can still reflect the Lord in their attitudes. I think to the moment in high school when I shattered the right rear-view mirror on my dad's car when I was backing out of the garage.He was upset, but he knew his anger couldn't change the situation. He knew he could show me the mercy of Christ or anger from himself. he came up and hugged me, saying the words "I forgive you". Now, I still had to pay for the repair, but his love in the situation is what I will always remember as it points me to the mercy of Christ.
I don't completely understand why I can't give God a hug in the essence of the life I live in now, but the thought I have about that is that perhaps I wouldn't love the people he created if I did have that fulfilled. See, I choose to be in relationship with God. I must choose to have a Christ-like attitude every day. I choose to have the faith in Him that I do. Because He loves me so much, He gives me that choice to love Him. He does not force His way into my life. He reveals who He is and gives me the choice. With that choice I can give my life to serve Him. I have the choice to show His love to the people I encounter. When I show them the love of Christ, they then have the choice to serve Him.
So I have a lot to learn, a lot I don't understand about God, but I have faith in His mercy and His knowledge of me. For He knew me in my immost being... (Psalm 139)
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