God will raise up; God will set free

My Child,

I remember the days in that quiet place. I remember watching you as you were formed. I saw your fingernails become tough and each of your little toes become defined. I knew you in this secret place as your heart began to beat. I remember those moments in those months getting to hear your precious heart. Your little mind, unable to retain much yet, was being formed. I spent this time with you. I knew you. I knew the things that would one day make that little mouth smile. I could almost hear that giggle you would one day have.

I remember the day you drew your first breath and you let out that first cry. You were cold and curious. Where was that comfortable warmth you had always known? Where was that secret place?

I remember the day you took your first steps. Ever since you were born you were ready for this moment. You were so curious. You were so ready for growth and the next thing. You yearned for new experiences. You sought them day-to-day. You asked questions. You created all kinds of inventions with your hands. You jumped and played and ran through rainstorms. You laughed. You smiled. You loved.

I remember the day your curiosity about the world halted. Your first huge disappointment with experience. You cried out. You felt shattered, broken, beaten down.

I remember the day you begged for freedom. I remember the day you decided you weren’t going to let your bad experiences dictate your life. I remember the day you asked for my help, my comfort, my warmth.

I remember the day you wrote your first song. You played that guitar until your fingers bled. You cried out in song for hours and hours. You blessed people with that song, you encouraged and impacted numerous souls. You spoke truth to people’s lives through music. You spoke to people who had hardened hearts. I remember the days when you’d thank me. You’d play your music out of thankfulness for the gifts you had.

I remember the day you experienced disappointment again. You felt abandonment. You cried out to me in song with tears; I was there. How I wished I could reach down and give you a hug myself. How I cried with you. How I felt heavy hearted for you.

I remember that day you stopped asking for my help. You told me you were afraid of the world. How I deeply wanted to show you all the people you impacted when you conquered that fear and shared with others. How I wanted to show you the gift you were giving others. But you didn’t want that.

Your heart has grown so hard. Your faith so weak. Your longings have changed from asking for help and crying in the hardships to self-sufficiency and numbness. Your voice- once so strong has become mute. I wish I could show you the people who are on your side, right there crying to me for you. I wish I could show you freedom from the fears you have facing you every day. I wish I could give you that comfort you are deeply longing for.

But you’re silent.

I know you. I know that precious heart and delicate mind that I made for you to feel with and to think with. I know that sweet sound in your voice that used to once sing out to me for restoration. I know that body that once craved for love and life that now craves its next intoxication and dose of ecstasy.

Your tears are hardened. They’re only full pain with no hope. They come from eyes that used to once look up into the world, now looking for any way out of it.

I miss you. I miss the you who used to look up in the world. I miss the moments of hearing that little tiny heartbeat. I miss the moments of seeing some of your first signs of joy: smiles and giggles and little creations you would make. I miss the you who used to sing to me. I wish I could set you free. I wish you’d ask for my love because I would give it to you in a moment.

There is healing and forgiveness in my hands and comfort by my footsteps. Why do you turn away, my child?

My love for you is so deep. It has existed for you since before those moments we shared in that secret place. I would give you everything in the world if you looked up to me with your whole heart and stayed focused on me. I would remove every transgression you have as far away from you as the East is from the West. I would go as far as I possibly can to give my love for you, but I will not force you to love me back.

I miss you my child. May you, one day, come to the end of yourself and see the extraordinary, incomprehensible, breathtaking, marvelous God who is so dear to your heart. May you one day hear my voice that can grant you wisdom in the most hard of times, with patience to allow the now’s times, when convenience is lost in the events that arise to refine you, restore you, and free you.

Your name means: “God will raise up; God will set free”. Don’t forget that promise, my child.

With deep abounding, awaiting love,

Your Heavenly Father