Reflections

I'm reflecting tonight on God's consistency. I'm thinking of the companionship He gives as I choose Him and choose His way. My pastor always says the Christian life isn't a hard concept. It's living it out that is the hard part. 

At the end of every school year I tend to think through a lot of things of where I have been and where God has brought me. It gives me the chance to evaluate myself and thank God for the example of His character to study.

Reading in Ephesians tonight I see the life of Christ's character being outlined as He shows Himself walking in love, not allowing Himself to be partners with the world. I'm amazed by the consistency in Jesus' life with the will of God. 

My deepest desire is to reflect the character and love of my Lord. I have no excuse for messing up in my walk with Him and yet I have, but I'm praying these words to penetrate in my heart tonight. 

^{Ephesians 5:1-20}

¹ Follow God’s example,^(A) therefore, as dearly loved children^(B) 2 and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us^(C) and gave himself up for us^(D) as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.^(E)

³ But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality,^(F) or of any kind of impurity, or of greed,^(G)because these are improper for God’s holy people. ⁴ Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk^(H) or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving.^(I) 5 For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person—such a person is an idolater^(J)—has any inheritance^(K) in the kingdom of Christ and of God.^[a](L) 6 Let no one deceive you^(M) with empty words, for because of such things God’s wrath^(N) comes on those who are disobedient.^(O)7 Therefore do not be partners with them.

⁸ For you were once^(P) darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light^(Q) 9 (for the fruit^(R) of the light consists in all goodness,^(S) righteousness and truth)¹⁰ and find out what pleases the Lord.^(T) 11 Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness,^(U) but rather expose them. ¹² It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. ¹³ But everything exposed by the light^(V) becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. ¹⁴ This is why it is said:

“Wake up, sleeper,^(W)
    rise from the dead,^(X)
    and Christ will shine on you.”^(Y)

¹⁵ Be very careful, then, how you live^(Z)—not as unwise but as wise, ¹⁶ making the most of every opportunity,^(AA)because the days are evil.^(AB) 17 Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is.^(AC) 18 Do not get drunk on wine,^(AD) which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit,^(AE) 19 speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit.^(AF) Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord, ²⁰ always giving thanks^(AG) to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

If you Believe

            An old man sees a beautiful twenty-year old woman. He has been sad for the last fifteen years after loosing his wife and many close friends. “She will make me happy,” he thought. He prayed to have this woman. If he prayed hard enough, he believed he could have this woman. Matthew 21:18-22 relates to what this man believes as verse 22 says, “If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer” (NIV). Prayer deals with submission of oneself to God in the purest form. This old man is not following what God intended in this passage as it relates to prayer. There are many things this old man has wrong.

            The book of Matthew was written by Matthew, an ordinary sinner and tax collector. He was transformed by God and called one of Jesus’ twelve disciples. He writes mostly to the Jewish reader to provide an account of Jesus. He provides information about Jesus’ birth, John the Baptist, Jesus’ ministry, His death, resurrection, and ascension. His focus is mostly on Jesus’ teaching through his parables and metaphors (Quest).

            One of these famous metaphors shows up in Matthew 21:18-22. Jesus walks with his disciples, spots a fig tree that had no fruit, and tells it to die. The disciples wonder what this is about and Jesus explains that if one has faith he can do more than bear fruit. He speaks of this faith and prayer a person can use to do anything.

            Matthew 21:19, “Seeing a fig tree by the road, he went up to it but found nothing on it except leaves. Then he said to it, “May you never bear fruit again!” Immediately the tree withered” (NIV). Immediately. The Message Bible says the tree “withered on the spot, a dry stick”. A tree, like faith, grows slowly in order to produce good fruit. Once a tree begins to die, or a person doubts, it serves no purpose. A person cannot be used to further the gospel without faith. The Bible Knowledge Commentary wrote about faith and doubt saying, “Jesus used this event to teach a lesson in faith, for if they had genuine faith in God they not only would be able to do miracles…The Lord was teaching the importance of faith rather than doubting or simple marveling. By contrast the nation of Israel had failed to exercise faith in Him” (Walvoord). God requires full belief, which serves a full purpose, not doubt or lack of producing fruit.

            Furthermore, verse 22, “If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer” (NIV). If you believe. The Amplified Bible words this verse, “having faith and (really) believing” (Amplified). Belief, or “real belief” is added to this prayer, which goes beyond a week “bedtime prayer” that many participate in. Matthew 17:20 can help the reader understand this belief. “He replied, “Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you” (NIV). Believing a person can move a mountain takes a lot of “real belief”. Belief, or this kind of pure belief, is not rooted in itself. It is through belief in God, that this “mountain-moving” kind of belief is possible. The Wycliffe Bible Commentary writes about this passage saying, “This kind of faith, however, will only ask those things that it knows to be God’s will” (Pfeiffer).

            The old man that desires a twenty-year old woman is not seeking God’s will. He follows his desires and prays for what he wants. He does not ask God if he can have this woman, but rather demands that God will give him this woman. The old man has another problem. He has been depressed for many years and seems to be looking to this woman to fix his problem by making him happy. He is not seeking God first. If his desire were fulfilled, there’s no telling if he would seek to love God with what he has been given because he can’t serve God with what he was originally given.

The Life Application Study Bible provides insight on Matthew 17, saying, “The power of faith is illustrated by its ability to remove this mountain…Scriptural faith is a trust in God’s revealed Word and will. Hence faith to move a mountain can be exercised only when God reveals that to be his will” (Life). In many situations God allows individuals to have others in a romantic way, but in a God-fearing relationship, the individual must ask what God’s will is before he begins to ask for what he desires. A Godly prayer, also known as the Lord’s Prayer, is outlined in Matthew 6: 10-14. It begins saying “Our Father in heaven, hallowed be thy name, your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven” (NIV). For the desires of man will change as he recognizes and commits himself to God’s desires and will.

            The statement in verse 22 of Matthew 21, “If you believe” is significant. It says “if you believe” not “if you desire”. It does not simply state, “Pray”. Believe and pray.

            There are two stories surrounding this fig tree metaphor in Matthew 21. The story that precedes it is Matthew 22:12-17. In this story, Jesus overturns tables and expresses his frustration with people selling sacrificial animals outside of the temple. Jesus says in verse 13, “My house will be a house of prayer, but you are making it a den of robbers” (NIV).  He proceeds to heal a blind man is praised by children. When children are mentioned in the Bible, they are often shown for their faith. One example is in Matthew 18:3, “"Truly I say to you, Unless You turn around and become as young children, you will by no means enter into the kingdom of the heavens" (NIV). Matthew includes this segment about children to lead into another passage about faith.

            The passage following the metaphor of the fig tree is Matthew 21:23-27. This is where Jesus’ authority is questioned. Many authoritative figures question what gives Jesus the authority to perform miracles and such. Just like man cannot move a mountain on his own, Jesus must have faith in God. This passage outlines the power of God and the need everyone has to submit to him in order to do his will.

            The metaphor of the fig tree lies about two-thirds of the way through the book of Matthew. This is one of the later lessons of Jesus. Many stories surrounding this one follow the same theme of faith. It foreshadows faith that needs to come later in Matthew and becomes more and more important as Jesus’ thoughts and actions reveal his submission to God’s will. In Matthew 26: 39 Jesus prays, “Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My father, if it is possible, may this cup [of death] be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will” (NIV). Jesus’ will aligns with His father’s.

            The New Testament has been viewed by many as a delightful form of literature. Every passage is organized in a poetic way. The metaphor of the fig tree is no different. Just like a student writing a paper to explain an idea: the metaphor is stated, questions are asked, and the metaphor is explained. Then, faith is talked about and foreshadows the faith that comes about further in Matthew, this constant surrender.

This passage speaks many volumes about God. He is all-powerful as he is the enabler. As an individual believes in him, he is able to move mountains in God’s name. Matthew 21:21 says “Jesus replied, “I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but you can say to this mountain, ‘Go throw yourself into the sea” (NIV). Humans choose to be faithful, but they must choose to be faithful to God, proving God is the enabler, the all-powerful one. In the passage following the fig tree passage, Jesus shows that God is the enabler by saying “John’s baptism--- where did it come from? Was it from heaven, or from men?” (NIV). He doesn’t straight out say he has his authority from God, but from the fig tree passage, the reader can infer it is saying God is the omnipotent one.

God listens to an individual’s requests. Verse 22 in Matthew 21 says a person can receive whatever he asks for in prayer through his belief. Furthermore, Philippians 4:6 states, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition present your requests to God” (NIV). By God asking people to present their troubles and desires to Him, He is making Himself available to listen, and he does.

This passage also reveals God as a transformer. He changes hearts. In verse 21 of Matthew 21, Jesus says a person, in his belief, can tell a mountain to move and it will move. The faith a person initially has changes to a stronger faith that can move these mountains. Likewise, the passage Matthew 14:22-35 shows this kind of transforming faith. Peter, one of Jesus’ twelve disciples sees Jesus walking on water and walks on the water to meet Jesus. After walking a little ways, he becomes afraid and begins to sink as he begins to doubt. This is one form of transformation. Peter does not allow Jesus to transform him as he sinks into the water. When he chooses to believe; however, he is able to walk on the water. He is transformed by God to do something that is scientifically impossible. God transforms others all throughout history. Take the author of this book, Matthew for example. He was once a tax collector, hated by much of society, and was transformed into one of Jesus’ disciples. He went on to write about this great faith.

This passage speaks volumes about people as well. Jesus uses a fig tree in his metaphor and compares people to this tree. This tree has the potential to produce good fruit, but it does not. People have the potential to do unimaginable things things, but when they doubt they wither away like this fig tree.

Hebrews 11:1 says, “Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see” (NIV). God is an omnipotent, omnipresent, and omniscient God. He is not always around in a physical sense or present in ways people expect him to be, but he calls individuals to trust him anyway so our desires can be aligned with his desires.

God calls people today to have faith, just like he called Peter to walk on water through faith. He enables people to have in faith in order to prevent them from withering away. It takes a lot of faith to believe in a Jesus that existed many years ago, but he asks that people will believe in him in the different ways he will work today, so they and others they will influence can trust him in what is to come.

An old man, desiring love and affection can find it through Christ. He may not feel loved in a physical or expected sense, but his desires can change with the purity of his heart. The all-powerful God can make him desire to pray for this young beautiful woman. He may seek to be a fatherly figure for her and show her God’s love. He may be transformed through God’s love. If he has enough faith. If he prays earnestly with a pure heart. If he listens to God’s will. If he has belief beyond what he can see with his human eyes. And this passage foreshadows something else that came true in the end of Matthew and continues to be proven today: God exceeds expectations.

Works Cited

Life Application Study Bible: New Living Translation. Carol Steam [sic], IL: Tyndale

House, 2007. Print.

Pfeiffer, Charles E., and Everett F. Harrison. Wycliffe Bible Commentary. Moody, 1980.

Print.

Quest Study Bible NIV. Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan, 2003. Print.

Walvoord, John F., and Roy B. Zuck. The Bible Knowledge Commentary. David V Cook,

1989. Web.

He is Able

He is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask, or imagine, according to his power that is work within us (paraphrase from Eph 3:20)

All I can say is how amazed I am in the way He provides, even when I have allowed myself to become anxious at times. But He is the God who provides beyond what I can think to ask or imagine.

Roxanne Engstrom, a family friend of mine, is a missionary in Africa, has just experienced something she would never hope to. Her husband and children were electrocuted and are alive to tell of God's saving grace. Roxanne said while she was waiting on hearing if her family was ok, "I was forced in this all to count the cost, to say to my Jesus I do not count anything as loss compared to you". She really put into perspective all the things I get anxious about and the beauty of the gift of peace God gives.

Here is her post:

http://lilmonkeydays.blogspot.com/2012/04/i-have-no-clever-or-semi-witty-line-to.html?m=1

Through the Grace of Christ

Here's a paper I wrote today for my Business Ethics Class:

            Someone once said, “Leaders must live by higher standards than their followers”. The truth in this statement is what gives my actions purpose. These actions, furthermore, are all what I hope will reflect the light of Christ through me. The three core values I seek to uphold are all Biblical concepts that I pray the Lord will establish in me to reflect Him. These values are commitment, integrity, and accountability.

            The word commitment refers to the purest of all promises. Commitment is a pledge to the highest involvement, meaning that if I commit myself to a project, I promise that I will work my hardest to get the job done. Matthew 25:14-30 illustrates this concept through the parable of the three servants. In this parable, a man gives a large sum of money to one servant, a slightly less amount of money to another, and the smallest amount to the last servant. When the man returned, the first two servants reported that they invested the money and were able to present profit on the money. The last servant, however, had buried the smaller amount of money in the ground because he was afraid of losing it. The man was proud of the first two servants, but he was upset with the last one’s foolishness. This story represents how God gives His people gifts and asks us to develop them, committing our time and treasures to Him in order to grow them for His glory. God promises that when we follow through with our commitments He will bless us further. Commitment is important to me because I want to stand before God one day and be able to say I used my gifts for the Lord and committed my way to Him.

            Integrity goes along with committing my way to the Lord as it is a pledge to consistently walk in Him to please Him. Colossians 3:23 says, “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as though you were working for the Lord, and not for men”.  The concept of working with all I have comes up again in this passage. This is because the Lord asks his followers to continue to serve Him throughout all we do. Integrity means I want to live a life of honesty, not just one day, but to strive towards being honest every day I am alive. Being honest every day is not easy, which is why this verse says to work with all your heart. Daniel, in the Old Testament, sought to please the Lord above men. He was even willing to give up His life in order to please God. Daniel 6 describes the people he encountered saying in the second part of verse 4 that the administrators “could find no corruption in him, because he was trustworthy and neither corrupt nor negligent”.  Living with integrity means that I will seek to please the Lord every day consistently, pleasing Him above any one I encounter.

            Though my goal is to please God above people, accountability is important to living a life for Christ in a secular world. This concept can be studied in Galatians 6:1-5. In this chapter, one is encouraged to share the burdens of his brothers and sisters in Christ. Each person should examine his or herself and challenge others around him. Being accountable to God is what I do as a Christian in serving Him and being accountable to my business I work for, my family, and my friends is a system I choose to follow for my life. This value ties the other two values together as I am held accountable for my actions being in the like of Christ Jesus.

            As can be seen through this writing, the deepest importance to me is to please God through my life. As Paul, writer of Philippians, says in verses 7 and 8 of chapter 3, “But whatever were gains to me I now consider a loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage that I may gain Christ”. My worth in Christ is my purpose, my treasure, and my greatest importance.

            I like to say that I am a restored treasure in Christ. I have many examples in my past of my lack of commitment, absence of integrity, and my failure to be accountable to my God. One example, for instance includes a work experience I had in high school. I worked in a sandwich shop where I was not allowed to eat anything without paying for it. Everyone I worked with did it. They felt like no one would notice. so one time I did it too. Though I did not get caught by the company, my actions were seen by the Lord. I was not focused in this moment on being accountable to God. I have had to decide since this experience to bring Him glory whether other people are watching or not.

On a deeper level, a certain experience in my past has challenged me greatly as an individual. I spent many years asking why God would allow bad things to happen, but as I’ve gotten older I have had to see how God uses bad things for His good, rather than dwelling on asking why God allowed it to happen. God calls His followers to faithful prayer of thanksgiving. I can’t say I never get upset about the past, but I can see things in my life to be thankful for. I can point to things to be upset about, but I can also see where God’s hand was protecting me. My focus has to shift from my own disappointment to my great expectation in Jesus.

 Before I started college, I was very immature in my faith. I was seeking God to meet my needs rather than giving Him my life for His glory. I let myself cling to my past as an excuse for why I held on to bitterness and as the reason why it was difficult for me on certain days to follow Christ. What I’ve learned, especially in the last year, is that I am not on this Earth to be a victim. I am here to be victorious! Just as Jesus Christ. Events in my past push me to sensitivity in certain areas, but these experiences teach me of my desperate need for my Savior and the One worthy of my deepest commitment.

            Sometimes I feel pretty week in my faith, but when I dwell on that I realize I am not allowing God to use me. I’m not sure how I’m going to make a difference in my life as a whole, but I believe God can use me as long as I continue to be defined in Him. My Bible study leader once used the illustration of taking a piece of paper and a Bible. He placed the paper inside the Bible and closed it. Once He closed it, one could no longer see the piece of paper. I am striving toward being that paper, that when people look at me they will no longer see me but Christ who has bought me and restored me with His precious blood. I guess now that I’m thinking through if I am going to make a difference in my life I have to say no. I don’t want to make a difference. I want Christ to make a difference through me.

            The philosophy of ethics I live by is through the grace of Christ. This philosophy includes submission of self to the work of Christ, reading His Word in the Bible to determine right living, and doing these things through commitment to God, integrity of a life of Christ, and accountability to the God of the universe. I am not here just to be saved by Christ, but to love Him in every aspect of my life.

            If I were to encourage high school kids to live ethically, I would challenge them to think Biblically about everything in their lives. I would challenge them in the same way my pastor encourages me, telling these kids that everything in their lives should reflect Christ. As he recently told us as a congregation, the Christian life is fairly simple. It’s the living out of faith that is the difficult part. If students felt they weren’t worthy of living a life for Christ, I would challenge them to allow God to use them from this point forward. If God is the Creator and Savior of the universe, He is more than capable to use us, His most beloved creation, for His glory.

            Many people don’t choose this way of life because they want to do life on their own. Many people seek physical satisfaction rather than the Lord who made anything that can satisfy. Think of the parable in John 6, when Jesus feeds five thousand people. He works a miracle by feeding all five thousand of these people with simply five loaves of bread and two fish. The people, after they were fed, wanted Jesus to be their King, even if they made Him King by force. Their reason in wanting Him as their King, though, was to meet their physical needs. They saw the miracles Jesus could perform and they wanted the miracles rather than Jesus Himself. These same people, later, praised Jesus as He rode into Jerusalem. They shouted “Hosanna!” which means “Save us now!” These people were so focused on Jesus saving them from their physical depravity that they couldn’t even see the Spiritual depravity Jesus was capable of saving them from. The reason for sharing this story is that many people I encounter are looking for a Jesus that will bless them when they’re looking to be blessed and a Jesus to leave them alone when they think they can do things on their own. That is not the reason Jesus gave His whole life to save the sinners of this world, to make people happy. He died to restore the lost and make them His greatest treasures.

            In this world, I hope to live a life of commitment, integrity, and accountability. These are the standards Christians are held to in living a life for Christ. I pray that the Lord will be honored in every decision I make in my home and work, as I set aside any physical benefit in this life to serve the One in which my hope belongs, the One in which I submit to in order to seek His will above all. Proverbs 16:9, “The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps”. 

God is sovereign.

Amazing sermon, preached by Senior Pastor of Harvest Bible Chapel KC: Jeff Terrell. 

God is sovereign...so what

I am not a cookie cutter.

I mentioned a bit in my last post about my struggle with understanding that being a Christian means having a relationship with Christ rather than being part of a religion.

I've heard this phrase so much that it has become a frustration to me. I've been frustrated lately because my relationship with God looks different than other peoples. The way I pray is different. I spend a lot of time in prayer but it's not a constant communication in my head, like my mother has. The Christian school I go to holds a huge emphasis on feelings. There is a huge focus on when a person transforms. To me, there was a specific night I gave my life to Christ, but He has transformed me so much over time and still is changing me. When I hear testimonies at school I hear a lot about life getting easier when people gave their lives to God and always feeling Him there. Here's the thing for me: I love God. I love that He so graciously has saved me from my sin and I know He is here in every second of everyday, but I don't always feel His presence.

In fact, I often feel close to God through others. When I see the character of God shine through someone, I feel close to Him.

It's a crazy thing to me, this relationship with God thing. It is different than the way many people I know have relationships with God, but I have to stop worrying about what everyone else is doing. I must be diligent in my faith and spending time with God because I know He wants that from me. I can't do it because it looks good to others or it is what they are doing. There is only one way to eternal life: Jesus Christ. But there are many people who connect with God through different things: relating with people, evangelism, behind the scenes serving, preaching, spending hours in silence, expressing every single thought directly to God, crying, singing, performing, fasting, reading...

And I'm tired of apologizing for not looking the same as every other Christian around me. My prayer is to be sensitive to the Spirit and be led in all I do and say in order to bring Him glory.

Jesus Christ came to this earth, different than every single person in His humility. He came to fulfill the word of God. I am here to be His servant, not to be worried about if I'm doing this relationship thing the right way. God gave us the gift of relationship. He gave us the gift of being different than any other created.

Lord, show me your ways. Show me how to serve you, not in order to be different but in order to love you in the way you created me to.

Philippians 3:7-14

⁷ But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. ⁸ What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ ⁹ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in^[a] Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. ¹⁰ I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, ¹¹ and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead.

 ¹² Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. ¹³ Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, ¹⁴I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

I know I've already posted this quote, but it's important so I'm posting it again:
“Your real, new self (which is Christ's and also yours, and yours just because it is His) will not come as long as you are looking for it. It will come when you are looking for Him. Does that sound strange? The same principle holds, you know, for more everyday matters. Even in social life, you will never make a good impression on other people until you stop thinking about what sort of impression you are making. Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring twopence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it. The principle runs through all life from top to bottom, Give up yourself, and you will find your real self. Lose your life and you will save it. Submit to death, death of your ambitions and favourite wishes every day and death of your whole body in the end submit with every fibre of your being, and you will find eternal life. Keep back nothing. Nothing that you have not given away will be really yours. Nothing in you that has not died will ever be raised from the dead. Look for yourself, and you will find in the long run only hatred, loneliness, despair, rage, ruin, and decay. But look for Christ and you will find Him, and with Him everything else thrown in.”
― C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

I knew you in your immost being

Imagine...

You are married to the love of your life. You have battled many ups and downs before and after you married them. Your spouse has a past where he/she dated a person who they realize now was never in the relationship for love. Your spouse is able to see that clear as day now that you have experienced life together. Then one day, you are in a horrible wreck. Your spouse wakes up in the hospital thinking the past is the present and has no memory of the love you have shared.

This example comes from the movie The Vow. There was a particular scene in the movie that struck me when the husband (Channing Tatum) is desperately trying to help his wife to see his love for her. She gets frustrated and yells at him in this scene. He then says, very emotionally, "we don't ever speak that way to each other" he goes on to say this is a difficult time for him too because he is trying his best to help her realize how much he loves her. It's a difficult time for them and she ends up running back to her ex fiance for awhile, having to figure out on her own who had real deep care and love for her.

I was thinking about it a little bit last night about how I treat God that way sometimes. My roommate Amanda and I talked about Psalm 139 where it says God knew me in my immost being. I don't remember that, but I feel the need for it. It drives me. When I have void for it, I fill it with love of other things, other things that can never satisfy. And God is just there, watching, waiting and desperately wanting to reveal His deep abiding love. Committing my life to Him means committing a life to trusting that He knew me in my immost being and learning of the One who knows me.

Sometimes I get frustrated by not being able to touch God, but I have faith that He has known me and still knows me.Psalm 139 reminds me of this concept that I am known and loved, yet I've still had such a hard time lately wondering why I can't know God in the ways I wish I could. I wish I could hug Him. I wish I could have a back and fourth conversation with Him. Because I can't, I feel alone.

I've been asking Him to show me how to love Him. I'm so used to wanting Him and needing Him, but I really want to love Him. I just don't understand the essence that He exists in.

Yesterday I was at church listening to my pastor describe the relationship of the Son and the Father. He has really been challenging me, along with the rest of the church, to come to relationship with our Lord, not focus on the religion. That's a familiar phrase to me since I was young, "Christianity is not a religion but a relationship with Jesus Christ". But what I've been dealing with lately is what does that mean? How do I love God? I can't grab coffee with Him. I can't run up and hug Him, yet I have faith He meets me in every moment.

In the sermon yesterday, Pastor Jeff said that our deeds reflect the love that we have for the Lord. We have security in our salvation by our attitudes of praise. Do others notice Christ reflected in our behavior? I was really challenged by this yesterday and began to ask the Lord to show me if I have been reflecting Him (Psalm 139- You search me and you know me...Show me any offensive way in me) I asked Him to give me someone to reveal that to me.

It happened sortof randomly. One of my roommates, Shelby, came into my room and told me that she saw God in me. After my prayer to God earlier in that request, I was blown away and amazed by the God who gave that gift to me.

Furthermore, I am realizing that I can know God in this essence. I know Him through the love of my father to my mother, the love of my father to me and through the relationships with my suitemates. I see a Christ-like attitude in my father when he gets upset. He takes seriously that if he doesn't get what he wants in a certain situation that they can still reflect the Lord in their attitudes. I think to the moment in high school when I shattered the right rear-view mirror on my dad's car when I was backing out of the garage.He was upset, but he knew his anger couldn't change the situation. He knew he could show me the mercy of Christ or anger from himself. he came up and hugged me, saying the words "I forgive you". Now, I still had to pay for the repair, but his love in the situation is what I will always remember as it points me to the mercy of Christ.

I don't completely understand why I can't give God a hug in the essence of the life I live in now, but the thought I have about that is that perhaps I wouldn't love the people he created if I did have that fulfilled. See, I choose to be in relationship with God. I must choose to have a Christ-like attitude every day. I choose to have the faith in Him that I do. Because He loves me so much, He gives me that choice to love Him. He does not force His way into my life. He reveals who He is and gives me the choice. With that choice I can give my life to serve Him. I have the choice to show His love to the people I encounter. When I show them the love of Christ, they then have the choice to serve Him.

So I have a lot to learn, a lot I don't understand about God, but I have faith in His mercy and His knowledge of me. For He knew me in my immost being... (Psalm 139)