Not too messy for God’s love?

If you’ve been in the Christian community for much time at all then you’ve probably watched some of those cheesy Christian movies. They all start to run together after awhile and most of them have the same general theme. No disrespect to the makers of these movies. I’m sure some of these movies have changed lives, but as I’ve watched some of them I see the same general story: a girl is in an abusive relationship or is mistreated in some kind of way, a Christian man comes and shows her God’s love and helps her out of her bad situation, and then they are happily married and everything is happy and easy.

Easy.

Well, I guess I don’t live a “real” Christian life then because in my experience every time I surrender more of myself to God life gets harder and messier.

Ok here’s a warning. I’m about to be a lot more blunt then I often am because it’s something that has really been heavy on my heart lately....

A very common thing for me to write about is the tangibility, or rather intangibility of the Christian life and walking with God. 

The reason for that starts out with the story of a little girl whose first memories are more than can be explained in one little blog post. It starts off with a little girl who was robbed of her innocence and was left with a pain that stung. It started off with a girl who frequently slept a couple hours a night, along with nightmares because of the trauma it left her. That girl is me.

I grew up in a Christian home, a very loving one at that. My situation was one that my parents had no idea about for a very long period of time and would have intervened had they had any idea.

So that was the way it was. At four, five, and six years old when someone threatens you and abuses you, even if you are raised right, it is incredibly hard to stand up for yourself and tell someone what was going on. I lived with an internal fear and an incredible secret battle. I went to church and was taught in my home that God was loving and that he can redeem any mess. He rescues his people. I remember when I first heard the story of Daniel in the lion’s den. Daniel prayed to his God, day and night. He loved the Lord deeply. He was thrown in a lion’s den and left to die for his faith, but the Lord kept him safe. Daniel did not get eaten by the lions. This was a very popular story in my Sunday school classes, but it always bothered me.

How could such a loving God shut the lions’ mouths when Daniel was thrown to them, but the same loving God wouldn’t protect me? Where was He?

That’s perhaps why this concept of tangibility is so important to me. Or why I feel it so much.

As I got older, I was able to find some healing and growth. I resisted God’s love for a long time because other things seemed much easier. And they were. When I chose my way, I got my tangible life. It wasn’t very hard to get, but it wasn’t fulfilling. I was convicted that that was not the life the Lord wanted me to live. But that’s not really what this post is about.

What it is about is what we do with mess.

I always had this idea that once I gave my life to God, just like the old cheesy Christian movies, I would understand the whole world. I would feel instantly fulfilled. I would feel renewed all the time. I would be swept off my feet by an amazing Christian man who loved me unconditionally and gave me God’s love in a tangible and real way.

But that “easy” life isn’t what happened. My life got a lot messier. Clinging to God’s Word in a world that doesn’t always feel satisfying. When Christians failed me (both in romantic relationships and friendships) I got really upset. When nightmares came back about things in the past, I got fearful. That’s not the way this is supposed to work, right?

If God’s love is so deep, vast, wide, and consistent then why is there mess?

Why in the world am I writing this post to talk about messy, uncomfortable life? Because I believe if we are all honest we all walk through this. And it is scary. It is scary to admit doubt or fear or frustration even with God.

But I’m writing this post because that is not where we are supposed to stay. We are not created for comfortable life. We are created for eternal life. When we chose to live for God, we chose hope for fear. We chose faith in the unseen. We chose to not live in fear.

Psalm 23 says:

The Lord is my Shepherd. I will have everything I need. He lets me rest in fields of green grass. He leads me beside the quiet waters. He makes me strong again. He leads me in the way of living right with Himself which brings honor to His name. Yes, even if I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will not be afraid of anything, because You are with me. You have a walking stick with which to guide and one with which to help. These comfort me. You are making a table of food ready for me in front of those who hate me. You have poured oil on my head. I have everything I need. For sure, You will give me goodness and loving-kindness all the days of my life. Then I will live with You in Your house forever.

What stands out to me in this passage is the phrase “Even if I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will not be afraid of anything”

What does that mean to walk through the valley of the shadow of death?  Think of a shadow... Imagine you are standing in the street and a truck drives by and runs you over. You are probably dead because you have been hit by a truck. Now, imagine you are walking along the side of the road and a truck drives by. It has a huge shadow that is right over you. You are standing in the shadow, but it doesn’t hurt you. That’s because it is a shadow. So if I am comparing life on earth to the valley then the worst thing I can face, if I am saved, is a shadow of death then I have nothing to fear because it is only a shadow.

I can’t explain why we have mess or why things happen other than the fact that we live in a sinful world, one that is under the shadow of death, but there is hope that when we cling to truth God is our comfort. I think when bad things happen we often times like to stay in our frustration and continue to ask God why? But I challenge to stop asking why and start listening.

“He lets me rest in fields of green grass. He leads me beside quiet waters” Have you ever noticed in the old KJV of the Bible the word “Selah” in between parts of the Psalms? I learned recently this word means to rest, pause, or listen to God. What amazes me is that the Psalms are full of cries out to God, praise, and questions to Him. In all of this there are breaks for “Selah”. God gives us a beautiful gift of rest, quiet, and peace when we follow Him. How many of us really take a break from things in our lives to “selah”? Rest is a gift God gives us to dwell in Him. I often feel uncomfortable with it because I don’t like to slow down to listen. I like to know the answer to something right away. I like when problems get fixed right away. But that isn’t God’s way. I wonder what God could really do in me if I took time to rest in Him, to really listen in quiet. I wonder what God could do in me when I only have the desire to know Him in one of His ways that seems so uncomfortable and intangible to me: stillness.

Why we experience mess and how to get rid of it? I don’t know. I have so much mess, but I want to be still enough to really cling to God’s truths.

Why? Because it makes things easier? No. Because it is right. Because in Christ I know that I have everything I need. And I will live with Him forever.

So do with me what you want, God. Show me who to love and how. Give me patience to allow You to speak to others, to step aside and allow you to be God. Grow me in grace when I don’t understand some things. Show me how to be a better friend, daughter, girlfriend, sister, and follower of You.

I surrender my mess. It’s yours God. Show me what you want with it.

The Hands and Feet of Jesus

Well I feel overwhelmed today, in a good way.

Today was my second full shift at my new job. I’m working every weekday in a family’s home for two kids with autism. The older child, age 20, has a high functioning form of autism called aspergers. I work with him much of the day and then whenever the younger child lets me work with her, I do. The younger child, age 16, has the most severe case of autism I have ever seen. You can pretty much forget that she is 16 because she functions as though she is 2.

Autism is a mental disorder that deals with how the brain processes information. Take me for example. I am dyslexic. When I look at a page I often see a jumble of words. I misspell things all the time. I mispronounce many things. I can’t do math. It takes a lot for me to teach my brain how to process the information I read. I was diagnosed with dyslexia when I was in first grade, but my dad did something really awesome with that. He made me read with him for an hour or so every night. Sometimes he read to me and other times I had to read with him. I did that until sixth grade. My dad’s loving dedication to me is the reason why I am able to function as highly as I do. My dad believed in me like no one else did. He had hope that I could learn how to function at a higher level.

People who have autism see the world in the way that I see words on a page, all jumbled. The girl I work with now on a day-to-day basis cannot understand the world she lives in. Her behaviors all center around consistency. She likes when things are the same, ordinary. She hates changing her clothes. She watches the same few minutes of a video tape, rewinds it and watches it again. She carries around a book that has prerecorded sounds on it and plays the same sound buttons over and over again. She does this to block out other sounds she hears. This is called stimulating herself. Autistic children are believed to be over-stimulated, over sensitive. She may hear sounds much louder than I do. Think about yourself trying to type out a report on your laptop. You sit down to type and you hear a car horn outside of the window. You feel a breeze blow your hair. You hear the ticking of a clock. If you had autism, you may have a very difficult time separating these distractions and ignoring them. You don’t understand them so you do everything you can to block them out. That is where stimulating yourself comes in. You may hold a book with prerecorded sounds right up to your ear and play it over and over again so you don’t have to hear the other sounds that are flowing into your head. You have heard these tunes so many times that the moment the book breaks, you have become so dependent on this book that you throw a tantrum because you can’t block out this world around you that you can’t understand. And you don’t want to try because it feels like too much.

This is what the girl I work with every day faces. My job is to take her from the stimulation she exposes herself to (her books with the prerecorded sounds, the tv, and other things) and interact with her. My job is to join her in her world. I try to make my world make sense to hers. Since she is much more sensitive to everything than I am, I have to act like her. If she throws herself on the ground and roar like a lion, I throw myself on the floor and roar like a lion. It is in those moments that I can make eye contact with her. I can make a connection with her. My challenge is how to stimulate her brain and help her to choose human interaction over electronic stimulation. So if she wants music, guess what I get to sing. If she wants me to sing she presses on my nose and and I don’t always have a song. Today I sang something about running at the beach. I made it up and it was so stupid, but she looked into my eyes and laughed. She had no idea what I was singing about but she knew I was paying attention to her. She knew I was interacting with her and that’s a start.

The interesting thing is that there was a part of today that I was feeling really sad. In that part of my shift, I had her up in her play room ready to interact with her and I just drew a blank. I had her away from anything electronic but my brain just couldn’t come up with any game to do. The more I was focusing on what I should do, the more I was thinking about how I wished she could communicate. I wished she could understand life. I got really sad for her and her family and what all of them had to face everyday. I just couldn’t imagine. How in the world could someone live like this? How could you watch your child go through this?…I had to ask her dad for advise. It was at that point he said he wanted me to watch this autism documentary and take a little break from her therapy.

 This documentary was the journey of a little boy with autism and his parents who prayed they could have their little boy back. They were filled with sadness and every time their son acted out (which was all the time) they mourned. They begged and pleaded with God about why their son was this way. This family traveled to an autism center to participate in the Sonrise therapy program (which is the type of therapy I am doing in an in-home version) and had to learn how to love their little autistic boy. They couldn’t view their son as two personalities: autistic son and sweet boy. They had to learn to view him as their autistic son. Period. They had to love the autistic side of him. They had to stop mourning him and focusing on their weakness. When they began loving their son in his autism and interacting him and focusing on loving him as he was, they were able to see improvement. They had to stop seeing their own weakness and instead see themselves as God’s tools. In the documentary they said they were able to see improvement with their son because they stopped mourning. They started believing they were strong enough to handle it. When their view changed, they started asking God for strength. When they asked Him for strength, He gave them strength and they could believe in their autistic boy in ways no one else ever could because God helped them. In their story, their son was able to learn how to function much better. He still has some challenges but he can now read, write, and interact with his family outside of his home.

Something I see in the girl I work with is that even though she doesn’t understand the world, she understands joy. She understands laughter and being looked in the eyes and feeling cared about. It reminded me that my job is to walk into work everyday remembering that she is a child of God and I am his hands and feet.

It strengthens my faith because I am reminded everyday about a truth of God. He does not give us more than what we can handle. An autistic individual is certainly a lot to handle, but He is stronger.

The older son that I work with is a child of God too. I see God in his loving heart. When we played chess today, he expressed his concern for his sister and how he wished she could play and be able to function normally. His love for his sister really struck me. He wasn’t stuck on his own weakness,. He knows he is autistic and he works to use his creativity to make things and draw and love his family. He reminded me of hope and that I can love his family with hope and as the hands and feet of Jesus.

I would love for these kids to see the world how I see it one day. Based off of research that really will not happen. What can happen though, is looking up to the God of hope and asking for His strength to be his hands and feet. That is my hope in working with these kids. I hope to give them joy. It may be in ways that are abnormal to others. The things that make these kids laugh are so ridiculous sometimes, but when I look into their eyes and make that connection with them I can’t help but feel that I am sharing Jesus.

What things are you feeling week about today? How can you look up to God and ask for His strength? What can you do to dwell in His consistency today? What roles are you placed in that requires you to be the hands and feet of Jesus? Do you have a task of analyzing numbers that no one else can understand? Do you have a tension span that most others don’t have that you can use? Who in your life can you learn how to love and support in the ways they feel loved? How can you show the love of God tangibly?

Sometimes it is hard to feel direction in our lives because we have unfulfilled expectations or we get bored. Sometimes we get really focused on ourselves and don’t feel like serving others, but I encourage you to let go of doing it on your own. You have a God who made you, uniquely, to love Him and show your love for Him in your love for others. How will you show His love today?

My hope is in you Lord

All the day long I won’t be shaken by drought or storm

A peace that passes understanding is my song

And I sing my hope is in You, Lord

-Aaron Shust

The "what is it"

I remember Christmas gifts in my house growing up. All Christmas morning I was so excited to open gifts because I couldn't wait to see what I got. Once I opened my presents all I wanted to do was play with my new toys. I remember one year specifically when I got this awesome Barbie house I wanted and all I wanted to do was play Barbies and make up stories and murder mysteries in my Barbie town. I'm not sure when exactly that house became so boring to me, but over time I just lost interest in that house. After awhile, I wanted a newer, bigger Barbie house to add to my Barbie town. I wanted newer cars for them to drive and new dolls to play with. That huge Barbie house just didn't feel like enough anymore..

If I think about it, the way I felt about that Barbie house is really similar to how I can feel about a lot of gifts. I'm a person who gets excited about things pretty easily. New places. Awesome. New ideas. Great. New food I just brought in from the grocery store. Super. But at some point, even if the things I have aren't rotten, things just get old. I get stuck in this place of discontent.

That's really similar to what the Israelites were facing many years ago. They were traveling and they were tired, frustrated, and hungry. God did something awesome though. He loved these people, so he made food fall out of the sky for these people. The Israelites woke up one morning, unsure of what was on the ground. They called it manna, which literally means "what is it". They ate it and it filled them up. God gave them manna everyday for them to eat. They praised God and were so thankful for this wonderful gift. At some point though, these hot and tired travelers began to complain. They weren't hungry, but they were tired of eating manna. The same manna they thanked God for was the same manna they groaned and complained about. 

How did something that was such a blessing turn into something that was so mundane? Was God mean to make it "rain" the same bread everyday rather than giving these people a huge variety of food whenever they wanted? If he loved these people why wasn't he making all kinds of food "rain" from the sky like in "Cloudy with a chance of meatballs"? 

Here's the thing about God. He is the giver and provider. He gives us exactly what we need. The Israelites weren't complaining because they were hungry. They were complaining because they wanted more. When I got bored of my Barbie house as a kid, I wasn't complaining because I didn't have toys. I was complaining because I wanted more.

Just the other day I heard a friend mine say she wanted just this "little tiny" thing from God and would never want anything again after that. Funny thing, she got it and then once she got it she had another "little tiny" thing she wanted so bad. She thought she would be so happy with one thing but rather than thanking God for it, she allowed herself to feel the discontent. And I don't think how that friend acted is much different from the Israelites and their manna or us as we view our things. 

So what do we do with this? How is it possible to be truly content? Is it wrong to ask for things? What God sees is our hearts. He is the giver. He wants us to ask Him for things, so when He does give us things He desires our praise. When we don't get what we want, He still desires our praise because in humility we recognize that He knows what is best for us. When we praise Him when we don't understand why we haven't received certain things is when He blesses us with faith. He honors us because we submit to Him that He is the giver of all gifts. When we submit that to Him, we can find contentment in Him. That contentment lasts way longer than the feeling we get when we receive gifts.

I struggle with complaining. I feel like I have a right to be heard and a right to get what I want, but that is not the truth of Christ. Sometimes I struggle with entitlement. I live in a world that tells me to fight for what I want and I will get it, but God tells me to ask Him and seek Him with all that I am and He will give me the desires of my heart. 

Today I challenge all of us to acknowledge what the manna is in our lives. Thank God for the little slivers of hope. Thank Him for the huge milestones. Thank Him for the food you have when it is bland. Thank Him when you have nothing because when you are living a life in thankfulness to The Lord, the nothing you have is wiped out by the everything God is. When you don't understand something and you just can't wrap your mind around it, simply thank God for who He is. It is in that God sees our trust in Him and stores it as treasure. 

Don't forget the power in the simple words of "thank you". My mom always made sure there was food in my belly and that I had clean clothes to wear. She spent a lot of time making sure I had the things I needed and that things were in order for me. She was providing for me. I got used to it. She was my mom. That was her role. I remember though, the days I would say thank you for dinner. I could tell she felt honored and appreciated that her hard work was recognized. I didn't have to tell her thank you but because I did she was blessed. She was recognized for the service she gave and the role she played. 

Don't forget to slow down enough to be grateful. You never know what it can mean to a person or the joy it brings to the all great giver and provider, God. 

My friend Joy had a really convicting status on Facebook the other day. She said "what if you woke up today with only the things you thanked God for yesterday"

God will raise up; God will set free

My Child,

I remember the days in that quiet place. I remember watching you as you were formed. I saw your fingernails become tough and each of your little toes become defined. I knew you in this secret place as your heart began to beat. I remember those moments in those months getting to hear your precious heart. Your little mind, unable to retain much yet, was being formed. I spent this time with you. I knew you. I knew the things that would one day make that little mouth smile. I could almost hear that giggle you would one day have.

I remember the day you drew your first breath and you let out that first cry. You were cold and curious. Where was that comfortable warmth you had always known? Where was that secret place?

I remember the day you took your first steps. Ever since you were born you were ready for this moment. You were so curious. You were so ready for growth and the next thing. You yearned for new experiences. You sought them day-to-day. You asked questions. You created all kinds of inventions with your hands. You jumped and played and ran through rainstorms. You laughed. You smiled. You loved.

I remember the day your curiosity about the world halted. Your first huge disappointment with experience. You cried out. You felt shattered, broken, beaten down.

I remember the day you begged for freedom. I remember the day you decided you weren’t going to let your bad experiences dictate your life. I remember the day you asked for my help, my comfort, my warmth.

I remember the day you wrote your first song. You played that guitar until your fingers bled. You cried out in song for hours and hours. You blessed people with that song, you encouraged and impacted numerous souls. You spoke truth to people’s lives through music. You spoke to people who had hardened hearts. I remember the days when you’d thank me. You’d play your music out of thankfulness for the gifts you had.

I remember the day you experienced disappointment again. You felt abandonment. You cried out to me in song with tears; I was there. How I wished I could reach down and give you a hug myself. How I cried with you. How I felt heavy hearted for you.

I remember that day you stopped asking for my help. You told me you were afraid of the world. How I deeply wanted to show you all the people you impacted when you conquered that fear and shared with others. How I wanted to show you the gift you were giving others. But you didn’t want that.

Your heart has grown so hard. Your faith so weak. Your longings have changed from asking for help and crying in the hardships to self-sufficiency and numbness. Your voice- once so strong has become mute. I wish I could show you the people who are on your side, right there crying to me for you. I wish I could show you freedom from the fears you have facing you every day. I wish I could give you that comfort you are deeply longing for.

But you’re silent.

I know you. I know that precious heart and delicate mind that I made for you to feel with and to think with. I know that sweet sound in your voice that used to once sing out to me for restoration. I know that body that once craved for love and life that now craves its next intoxication and dose of ecstasy.

Your tears are hardened. They’re only full pain with no hope. They come from eyes that used to once look up into the world, now looking for any way out of it.

I miss you. I miss the you who used to look up in the world. I miss the moments of hearing that little tiny heartbeat. I miss the moments of seeing some of your first signs of joy: smiles and giggles and little creations you would make. I miss the you who used to sing to me. I wish I could set you free. I wish you’d ask for my love because I would give it to you in a moment.

There is healing and forgiveness in my hands and comfort by my footsteps. Why do you turn away, my child?

My love for you is so deep. It has existed for you since before those moments we shared in that secret place. I would give you everything in the world if you looked up to me with your whole heart and stayed focused on me. I would remove every transgression you have as far away from you as the East is from the West. I would go as far as I possibly can to give my love for you, but I will not force you to love me back.

I miss you my child. May you, one day, come to the end of yourself and see the extraordinary, incomprehensible, breathtaking, marvelous God who is so dear to your heart. May you one day hear my voice that can grant you wisdom in the most hard of times, with patience to allow the now’s times, when convenience is lost in the events that arise to refine you, restore you, and free you.

Your name means: “God will raise up; God will set free”. Don’t forget that promise, my child.

With deep abounding, awaiting love,

Your Heavenly Father

I am not just shadowboxing

“What do you want to be when you grow up?” Why do adults always ask this question to little kids who are clearly going to change their minds plenty of times throughout their lives? Is it because we want little kids to plan out their entire lives? Or because we want them to build dreams? Why would we want them to have dreams?

I think asking kids this question is an empowering thing. It allows them to think about living a life with purpose. As kids get older, most of their answers to that question become more realistic. I know mine did. I once had dreams of being an astronaut (I despise math and am not good at science). I once had dreams of being a famous ballerina (I did ballet for 7 years and still have terrible balance). And now I am pursuing a business degree.

Here’s the thing though. It’s not what you do. It’s why you do what you do.

I’ll never forget Ron Quigley. When I was growing up, there were some Saturdays my siblings and I spent folding and stuffing church bulletins for Sunday services (Part of the territory that comes with being a pastor’s kid). I loved those Saturdays because my brother and sister and I would take little breaks and run around the church as if we owned it. We’d pretend it was our house and figure out what every room should be. My brother would always take the best spot of course, but we found some other pretty cool places…anyways…Ron Quigley. Part of spending Saturday at the church included running into Ron. He was an older guy. He was the church janitor. There was a part of me that always felt a little bad for him for cleaning up other people’s messes. I knew he technically got paid for his work, but it was gross. I wouldn’t want to clean up the stuff he did. I always thought he was the church janitor because he couldn’t find a better job. That was probably it. He had this caring heart that I could see and I just always wondered why he would clean a church. Surly he could have a better job if he wanted. Maybe he didn’t want…One Saturday I asked him why he cleaned the church and he said “I work for the Lord”. It wasn’t what he was doing. His diligence and servant heart came from God. It was how he did what he did.

Ron cleaned the church because it was his mission field.

In the same way, I am a business student because I believe my mission field is in the business world. I enjoy the management systems, human theories, and marketing techniques I get to study. I enjoy learning about ethics (and I hate it because of all the unethical stuff I have to hear about). Studying ethics has really shaped me as a person. I’m a business student because I like the “boring stuff” (boring stuff- accounting) that many people don’t enjoy. I’m a business student because I like people. I’m a business student because I live in a world that needs God and I, imperfectly, want to reflect Him in a place that people are challenged to be ethical. I aspire to be honest and to speak kindly and be quick to listen. That’s the person I ask God to help me be.

It bothered me one day when a student discovered that I have these desires to reflect God in my life. He was excited about a couple discussions we had about God and asked me why I wasn’t a ministry major. I asked him why he thought I should be a ministry major. He said that I thought on a deeper level than some people. I didn’t like that, at all. I didn’t like that because that is not how God created us to be. He made us ALL to be in relationship with Him. He made us to seek Him. We all should be aspiring to walk closer with the Lord. No matter where we are serving.

Mumford and Sons wrote a song, “Awake my Soul”. My favorite line from the song says “The way we invest our love, we invest our life”. That’s a profound statement.

I don’t want to go through life shadowboxing. Shadowboxing is a preparation sport where the person throws punches at no one in particular to exercise the muscles. Shadowboxing is meant for training, not an end result.

I don’t want to spend my life wasting, waiting, fearing. I want to live right here, right now. I want to run with purpose in every step.

Having a relationship with God means surrendering myself to Him and asking Him to establish me and make my life purposeful, even in the little things.

Living a purposeful life does include setting goals and working through difficult things. One thing I really love is running. When I run, I have to run with goals or else I won’t become a better runner. Recently I have been experimenting with different speed cycles. I started a routine of walking/running/jogging to try to improve my distances and just experience exercising in a different way. I’ll do two minutes walking, three jogging, two running, thirty seconds walking, five jogging, four running, thirty seconds walking, five jogging, ten running…Over the course of the workout this improves my running time. Some mornings five minutes jogging hurts, but I keep at it until I reach my goal. My purpose is to improve my distance and stretch my body to endure more. When I run without setting goals, I run shorter distances. I give up sooner. I get more discouraged. When I meet goals, I feel like I have achieved something great. Looking back, my goal could have sounded ridiculous “Make it to that stop sign at the top of the hill, Anna…Yeah Anna! You beat that hill! You hit that ground running! You rock” Sometimes I do that and then I just laugh and then I picture God laughing at me for encouraging myself to run .4 miles further than the spot I wanted to give up at.

Set goals. Strive to reach them. Keep looking up when you miss the goal. Live with purpose.

“Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like someone running aimlessly; I do not fight like a boxer beating the air. No, I strike a blow to my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize” 1 Corinthians 9:24-27

Relating with God: Making the intangible tangible

Something that I'm passionate about is marketing. Through my marketing classes at school, I've been the most interested in the concept of target marketing. Basically, if a company has a good or service they are producing, they need to figure out the need for the good or service. A target market is a specific group of people that a company views as its potential customers. The goal is for the company to represent quality and status of itself to this potential customer to catch his attention, leading to the sale of a good or service. Everything a company does should be analyzed to see if it fits the target market of its potential customer.

For any market to be reached, a company needs to figure out how to make tangible products and intangible services more tangible for the customer. The more tangible a product or service is to the customer, the more a customer is likely to make a purchase.

One example: a customer walks in to IKEA to see what kinds of organizational products exist. IKEA is designed to reach customers who care about three things: efficient organization, low prices, and the environment. In order to reach these people who value these things, IKEA has designed its entire store to show its products. There are displays throughout the entire store that invite the customer to see what products would look like in his home. Some of the displays are set up as tiny studio apartments, designed to show all IKEA products that improve space quality in the home. IKEA has a restaurant at the top floor. Every single item used in the restaurant is a product sold in the store: every item from the light fixtures, to the chairs, to the plates the food is served on. IKEA makes its products tangible by giving customers the chance to see how products work and could potentially benefit the customer.

One example of a service is the insurance office I work for. I meet with customers and talk to them about the quality of State Farm insurance. My coworkers and I sell policies that protect customers in future events. The challenge we have is helping customers assess their needs with the resources they have. We don't want to sell customers more insurance coverage then they need, but we need to make sure they are fully covered in the event of a claim. When we get done writing a policy, we hand customers a piece of paper that explains their coverages and outlines their premium plans. Something we encounter everyday is how do we show customers that we represent quality service and that we are trustworthy when we are talking about protecting them in future events? That's a huge part of my role in my office is thinking about the customers we serve and how to give customers quality in the present. Besides being efficient with payments and friendly on the phone, I find ways to represent quality with our marketing materials. Part of our budget allows for us to purchase products that we can give away to people who walk into our office. When clients come in with their kids, sometimes I'll give a kid a State Farm teddy bear. We give out calendars with my agent's name on them to our clients. Sometimes I'll order a bunch of potted plants and take them to customers who are in the hospital after a horrible accident or to their houses after a family member has passed away. Giving out free items to customers doesn't "make" a business, but it is a kind gesture that shows you care. It shows the quality of your care from a personal and a business standpoint.

Why am I so intrigued by this concept of tangibility? I think some of us are really, really good at seeing intangible things and figuring out what to do with them. Like numbers people. Like my dad, he is so good at sitting down with a whole bunch of expenses and numbers and creating budgets and plans for a business. I am the opposite. If I sit down and look at an accounting assignment, all I see is a bunch of numbers. They mean nothing to me. It's always been that way for me. I liked math in elementary school because my teachers would take physical things to describe math problems. My third grade teacher taught us math with using candy. We would act out the problems using the pieces. It made it tangible for me to understand the purpose of the assignment.

I think because I like tangible things, I have struggled often with the presence of God. Last year I really struggled with this concept. It was a day when I was down about something and I was praying to God. When I was in prayer, I asked Him why I couldn't just be hugged by Him. I know thats kind of a weird thing to ask. Whenever I pictured God, I always pictured this huge guy just sitting on this golden throne, unapproachable. In my mind, I knew God was loving but I didn't feel that closeness. I knew I couldn't just run up and hug God and for some reason that was really hard for me. As I was wrestling with this, I really started asking God for faith.

As I was asking for this faith, I was trying to listen to people who I knew believe in God. I remember sitting in chapel almost every tuesday and thursday of my sophomore year hearing people's testimonies. In almost every testimony, I heard the speaker say something along the lines of "God transformed me and I realized it wasn't about religion but it is about a relationship with Him. He started changing so much in my life for good and now I am living every day for Him. Let's pray". That's how just about all of the sermons would conclude and I was always left unsatisfied. I wanted to know more. What did this relationship with God look like on a day-to-day basis? What about the bad days? How does a redeemed person trust and relate with this perfect God every single day, even when sinful and bad things still come up? I started getting really bitter last year because I wondered why, even though I've always had so much faith and reverence for God, why I didn't feel physically close to Him.

As I've written about in my blog before, God really used this past summer in Colorado in my life. He gave me this gift of tangibility. I loved driving twenty minutes in the mountains on my way to work because I could see the creative and magnificent God reflected in the natural world around me. I loved hiking with my friend Tana on the weekends because we could just get so lost in this world. It really hit me the day I was hiking the fourteener (mountains in colorado that are taller than 14000 feet) Quandary. It hit me that I WAS relating with God. All of the time I was asking God questions in the car on the way to work and expressing my frustrations and my lack of understanding, all of the time I spend hiking and thinking about all of the things I was seeing, and all of the people God used in my life this summer who gave me hugs and talked to me about God's love for me when I didn't even believe He could love someone like me. God WAS relating to me. God WAS tangibly reaching down to me. He WAS listening to me and giving me this faith and deep desire to know Him. Through the things He made: I saw His beauty in the mountains, I saw His character in my good friend Tana and in the members of the family I lived with this summer.

It also hit me one day when I was on my lunch break. I was eating lunch in one of my favorite places: a mountainy park with all this beautiful red rock. There was this spot that I liked to hike to that had this perfect rock to sit on and dangle me feet over. I was talking on the phone to my best friend Joy who lives in Chicago, way too far away! I've known Joy since I was four years old. We've seen each other grow and transform in so many incredible ways through the years. This summer was really hard being so far away from her when we both had a lot going on. There were many times when we were talking that I just wanted to give her a hug and I couldn't, but I knew she was there. And my gratitude for my friendship with her just grew immensely this summer. God was giving me this friendship that I had known since just about when I can start remembering. God shows his character through Joy Dean because He is consistent and her friendship has been consistent in my life.

So I've had this realization that God has created people and things to represent Himself. We are called to love one another and treasure one another because we represent God's love to each other. Of course we have to be careful about depending on these things. If I get disappointed in people, I have to be careful not to get disappointed in God too, and man I struggle with that because I am so focused on tangible life.

But that's kind of when the concept of relationship with people makes sense to me. That's how it makes sense to me that God blesses me with roommates and friendships and perhaps a certain guy ;) ...Relationships are blessings that God gives us to bring us all to Him. We have to ask for the faith to see Him even in disappointment and to see Him through His creation. We have to choose to worship the Creator for these blessings, not His created things.

When we ask for that faith and spend time with the people we are thankful for and ask Him to show Himself to the people we encounter, we are relating with Him. God wants our hearts. He created our hearts and wants us to express the things we love to Him.

In the past year, I have developed this deep desire to have stronger faith even when I can't point to things and say that's why I want to believe more. I just do. And the only explanation I have to explain that desire is that I was created for it.

I'll leave with this last thought that comes from a story in Matthew. It's a story of darkness and a father with a heavy heart for his son. A father who loved his son in the midst of such a desperate and heavy situation and a father whose faith still led him to ask his hearts deepest desire. It's a story about a God who uses his people to heal and give, but about a people who have little faith and a lot of doubt. It's a story about a God who takes compassion and gave this man faith and healing in the situation, even though there was sin and unbelief present. It's a story that shows us how to ask for healing, but even more how to embrace faith and trust the Lord in every single thing we do in faith:

When they came to the crowd, a man approached Jesus and knelt before him.  “Lord, have mercy on my son,” he said. “He has seizures and is suffering greatly. He often falls into the fire or into the water. I brought him to your disciples, but they could not heal him.”

“You unbelieving and perverse generation,” Jesus replied, “how long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you? Bring the boy here to me.” Jesus rebuked the demon, and it came out of the boy, and he was healed at that moment.

Then the disciples came to Jesus in private and asked, “Why couldn’t we drive it out?”

He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”

Matthew 17:14-21

"You can have all this world, just give me Jesus"

I'm the character in a movie. I'm walking down the city street. My surroundings are blurred and I'm just walking. I've experienced something that I can't shake. I'm changed while all this normal goes on around me.

I've heard stories from friends before who didn't like going home because of family issues there. I've never known what it was like to have an incredibly heavy issue when I went home until recently.

I've felt this heavy disappointment and darkness. When I feel this heaviness, sometimes God seems far away, but what I have had to come to realize by the end of this week is that when we are disappointed in the world, we are really disappointed with sin, not God.

To understand the hope I have in Jesus I have to first look into what sin really is.

Sin is seeing our current situations and making some sort of justification for our behavior. Take the story of Adam and Eve. They justified their sin of eating of the forbidden fruit based on the fact that they were tricked by the devil. When we sin, we justify our actions. We can believe anything to be okay. A friend could betray another friend, telling a secret promised to be kept in confidence. A man could beat up another man because he was wronged in a financial situation. A husband or wife could cheat on his or her spouse because he or she feels there was a lack of affection from the spouse. A lonely man could drink himself sick because he feels he cannot cope in the situations life has brought him. But when we justify ourselves there is no end to what we'll do.

Take the story of Cain and Able. One brother was jealous of the other. He made a justification for his behavior that was so strong it lead to him murdering his brother.

And the thing is once we justify the "little things" like telling white lies or cheating on taxes or eating the forbidden fruit, we can justify just about anything  like betraying our most loved ones or murdering someone.

That is indeed why Christ's sacrifice was so incredibly immaculate. We, humans, justified to the point of murder, so He saved us by taking all of our darkest sin upon himself to justify and purify us.

And that is where the hope is found. We can't do it on our own at all. All we do to fix our problems is to justify and justify our ways. But his love and Holy Spirit inside of us are strong enough to lead us to complete surrender and love for Him.

The hard thing is that we all have choices. I'm feeling the heaviness of a situation I have no control or choice over, but I know He is good. I don't understand why some choices have been made. I wish they weren't. I wish it didn't affect me the way it does. I wish I didn't feel as displaced as I do in going home, but that's when God reminds me of another truth: He is my home. He is my hope, my desire, my faith, my rock and cornerstone.

In my weakness and inability to do anything in this situation reminds me of His strength. I have to depend on Him and fully rely on His wisdom in every way I respond to a situation I have no control over.

And again, the heaviness I feel is the sin of the world. The inconsistencies I see are people who choose ways that are not His. God consistently loves us and consistently hates our sin. And praise Him! Because He is consistent. Praise Him because He is always, always good.

And He is good weather He heals or not.

"Even if the healing doesn't come and life falls apart and dreams are still undone, you are God. You are good forever faithful one. Even if the healing, even if the healing doesn't come" -Kutless

"The Lord is good, a strong refuge when trouble comes. He is close to those who trust in Him" Nahum 1:7