"You can have all this world, just give me Jesus"

I'm the character in a movie. I'm walking down the city street. My surroundings are blurred and I'm just walking. I've experienced something that I can't shake. I'm changed while all this normal goes on around me.

I've heard stories from friends before who didn't like going home because of family issues there. I've never known what it was like to have an incredibly heavy issue when I went home until recently.

I've felt this heavy disappointment and darkness. When I feel this heaviness, sometimes God seems far away, but what I have had to come to realize by the end of this week is that when we are disappointed in the world, we are really disappointed with sin, not God.

To understand the hope I have in Jesus I have to first look into what sin really is.

Sin is seeing our current situations and making some sort of justification for our behavior. Take the story of Adam and Eve. They justified their sin of eating of the forbidden fruit based on the fact that they were tricked by the devil. When we sin, we justify our actions. We can believe anything to be okay. A friend could betray another friend, telling a secret promised to be kept in confidence. A man could beat up another man because he was wronged in a financial situation. A husband or wife could cheat on his or her spouse because he or she feels there was a lack of affection from the spouse. A lonely man could drink himself sick because he feels he cannot cope in the situations life has brought him. But when we justify ourselves there is no end to what we'll do.

Take the story of Cain and Able. One brother was jealous of the other. He made a justification for his behavior that was so strong it lead to him murdering his brother.

And the thing is once we justify the "little things" like telling white lies or cheating on taxes or eating the forbidden fruit, we can justify just about anything  like betraying our most loved ones or murdering someone.

That is indeed why Christ's sacrifice was so incredibly immaculate. We, humans, justified to the point of murder, so He saved us by taking all of our darkest sin upon himself to justify and purify us.

And that is where the hope is found. We can't do it on our own at all. All we do to fix our problems is to justify and justify our ways. But his love and Holy Spirit inside of us are strong enough to lead us to complete surrender and love for Him.

The hard thing is that we all have choices. I'm feeling the heaviness of a situation I have no control or choice over, but I know He is good. I don't understand why some choices have been made. I wish they weren't. I wish it didn't affect me the way it does. I wish I didn't feel as displaced as I do in going home, but that's when God reminds me of another truth: He is my home. He is my hope, my desire, my faith, my rock and cornerstone.

In my weakness and inability to do anything in this situation reminds me of His strength. I have to depend on Him and fully rely on His wisdom in every way I respond to a situation I have no control over.

And again, the heaviness I feel is the sin of the world. The inconsistencies I see are people who choose ways that are not His. God consistently loves us and consistently hates our sin. And praise Him! Because He is consistent. Praise Him because He is always, always good.

And He is good weather He heals or not.

"Even if the healing doesn't come and life falls apart and dreams are still undone, you are God. You are good forever faithful one. Even if the healing, even if the healing doesn't come" -Kutless

"The Lord is good, a strong refuge when trouble comes. He is close to those who trust in Him" Nahum 1:7

Are we doing or being?

I was challenged tonight to think about who I am becoming and where I have been. And I just keep thinking about how I have trouble slowing down. I'm always doing something and that's where I often find my identity. 

I see that in relationships sometimes. Especially this one I'm processing. If I said the right thing or was supportive enough then I was a good girlfriend. It hit me though one day that as i was focused on doing doing doing he appreciated me for things I did but didnt exactly appreciate me for who I was... 

How often do I do that to God? How often am I praising him for who he is rather than what he has done? And how often have I had the mindset that I have to earn his grace by being some kind of perfect... Being God's is not about earning a place in his kingdom or making it look like I'm some kind of good Christian. It's all about grace and humbling myself to see this is not about me. It's about him and who he is.

May we remember that today as we have things to get done. May we remember to seek him in what we do so we may learn to love him for who he is not just what he does.

Dream

Love Me- JJ Heller

He cries in the corner where nobody sees

He's the kid with the story no one would believe

He prays every night, “Dear God won't you please 

Could you send someone here who will love me?”

Who will love me for me

Not for what I have done or what I will become

Who will love me for me

'Cause nobody has shown me what love

What love really means

Her office is shrinking a little each day

She's the woman whose husband has run away

She'll go to the gym after working today

Maybe if she was thinner 

Then he would've stayed

And she says…

Who will love me for me? 

Not for what I have done or what I will become

Who will love me for me?

'Cause nobody has shown me what love, what love really means

He's waiting to die as he sits all alone

He's a man in a cell who regrets what he's done

He utters a cry from the depths of his soul

“Oh Lord, forgive me, I want to go home”

Then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside

And it said 

“I know you've murdered and I know you've lied

I have watched you suffer all of your life 

And now that you'll listen, I'll tell you that I...”

I will love you for you

Not for what you have done or what you will become

I will love you for you

I will give you the love 

The love that you never knew

Midday prayer

I did not write this.
One of my favorite midday prayers:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, grant that I may not
so much seek to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

You failed me

There’s that cliché phrase I’ve seen on quite a few facebook statuses saying something along the lines of I’m not a perfect person or I’m hard to love.

Hard to Love- Lee Brice

Listening to that song I think of things I do that make me hard to love. I think about people I love and what makes them difficult to love at times.

So what do we do with disappointment or failure?

That’s something I struggle with. I see in almost everyone I know, including myself, the tendency to get angry with people when they’re disappointed.

The book of James defines righteousness is to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. (James 1)

Okay, easy enough. Listen. Shut up. Calm down. Then what?

I think that’s the moment we have to take time to look at who God is. In the moments when we recognize weaknesses (ours or others) are the moments when we can choose to recognize God’s strength.

Jesus lived in order to give grace. He challenged people a lot. He challenged His disciples to walk authentically with Him. They said they loved Him and would always be by his side, but they disappointed Him. They fell asleep when Jesus asked them to keep watch. Judas denied Jesus. He sold Him out. Peter denied Jesus. But Jesus didn’t quit His mission. Jesus took nails to his wrists and bled to the most brutal of all deaths. And then He returned. He revealed Himself to His people and disciples He loved. He extended His grace. Jesus gave grace so we could give grace to each other.

Who am I to withhold grace? Think about that situation when someone asks for forgiveness and you just feel frustration welling up inside you. You just want to say why it upsets you more. And then I think what am I trying to accomplish? What am I expecting out of people? Perfection? Who am I to demand perfection?

I love and sometimes that love gets rejected, but I see God taking that love someone else rejected and accepting it Himself. And He’s holding it as treasure.           

The treasures He gives are hope for brokenness, peace and forgiveness, blessings and honor. The victory is the life God blesses His imperfect people with. The victory is the way we can look at the life of Jesus to see the opposite of the world. The victory is seeing treasure when we experience failure.That’s the sweet victory through identity in Jesus.

Quandary

Quandary- "a state of perplexity or uncertainty especially as to what to do; a dilemma"

Quandary peak is the 13 tallest fourteener in the state of Colorado. It stands at 14256 feet

Its name sure fits the hike. Multiple times throughout the hike, my friend Tana was saying we couldn't make it and we were just going to have to be ok not making it to the top, but I pushed. About an hour after that I was having trouble and she was pushing me. The hike gets really steep and rocky about two and a half miles from the top and that last one is the killer. I got to the point where I would take three steps, break, three more, break, can't do it, yes you can, three steps...I could see the peak finally, but it was just taking way too long. Three steps, that's too much. Sometimes we'd see someone on their way down and they'd say "I heard there's free Oreo's at the top" or "You can do it! You've made it this far" I wanted people's encouragement, but it didn't seem like it mattered. All I wanted to do was to reach the top.

And then four and a half hours after we started, we summited. People were cheering, "You made it!" And they'd high five you when you collapsed on the nearest rock. And then I sat up and looked out at the whole place I spent all this time trying to reach and it was more than worth it. There's something different about being at the TOP of a mountain, of all the mountains. 14256 feet struck me then and all I could think about was the MAGNITUDE of God. Who in the world was I to be so afraid of this? I did this! With His strength! He gave me the physical energy and the feet to walk with, even when I could only think three steps at a time. Looking down at the other mountains, I felt like I could literally feel Him holding the whole world in His hand. I could see His character reflected in the mountain and the people at the top welcoming us there! And I turned and saw more people reaching the top and we cheered right along for them because we knew the hard journey they had just accomplished.

And that was really an amazing thing...before the storm rolled in and started hailing and pounding against our faces and legs as we were trying to get back down the steep rock. But all I could think about on the way down was "how in the world did we actually do this?" And my friend Tana and I would just laugh at all the spots we took breaks at and all the places we thought we were near the top when we were so far away. God gave us the gift of friendship. We pushed each other. We needed each other in those moments. We needed the people coming down from the hike to prove that we could make it.

Hiking a fourteener isn't something I could do on a regular basis, but it was such an awesome experience. We got back home around 7:50 and at that point it felt like such a major accomplishment just to get down the stairs and then climb into bed, where I fell into a deep sleep for ten hours.

That experience just revealed to me how tiny I am- and man I feel it today with my physical exhaustion, but it also just blows me away about relationships and how to encourage and challenge and love like Jesus. There were so many times we were so fearful and couldn't see  more than another big rock, some little rocks, another big one, but God doesn't want us stuck in our fear. He wants us to challenge each other even if it's just three steps at a time. He wants us to keep on going so when we get to the top we can cheer others on when they make it too.

I feel this growing in my heart of this love that maybe was already there, but its changing because as I'm falling more in love with God all that I have is seeking Him. And I just want to give it. I can't see much farther than three feet ahead of me, but I can see the three feet. Someday I'm going to look back and say "hey remember that quandary? Well I've summited and it's so amazing up here."

Flood me with your love.

Stop telling me you’re stuck.

Quit numbing yourself.

I want to be in you when you run, when you drive to work, when you laugh and smile and speak.  Quit trying to exclude me.

Recognize that I made music. I made your legs to run. I made your beautiful smile. I made the ground you run on. I made the mountains you gaze at.

Stop telling me you’re trapped.

Stop telling me you don’t know where to give.

Flood me with your love. I want it! I made it. It’s not too much for me.

People thought I was crazy for how much I loved you.

I flood my love over you with the blood I shed for you.

My heart aches for you every second of every day.

I put rainbows in the sky for you. I rise the sun for you every morning. I awaken your soul.

Love me. Let me love you.